Wow, I took note of the last time I posted to my blog before my first entry for September. I didn't post a single entry for AUGUST! Wow, work is really hard. I can't believe it I am surviving. To all my readers, work here in cable TS/CS/IS/Sales is really hard. I could miss Kana this way.
Anyway, as a result, there are a lot of things I want to talk about in this blog. I don't know how long this post would result, but this post would definitely have a lot of things I would like to talk about for the past month - those that I could remember, anyway.
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It is challenging to determine what path to take - the concept of individuality and responsibility versus submission and reliance to God. It takes a deep understanding of the Scriptures and the meaning of Jesus' death to understand how to live your life. In my case, I have to know if I did make the proper decision. And even in my current attempts to file a leave, I have to follow God's will and let God take charge of my life - including my wish to take a leave from work.
First days of my training, my batch in training was pissing me - really. I wanted to quit and just shout at them that What are you doing this for? They were pissing me in ways that I really could not understand why are they doing the things they were doing when all that I was trying to do is pass through the course and make sure that I was learning something - particularly those that I really need to learn. I cannot brag that I am intelligent - I can only brag that I want to learn and that I want to push myself to learn because I am not a person of intelligence and memory storage. They were making fun of me... I don't know why, and until now, I don't know.
One day, I went to the wash room and went to one cubicle. In stress and emotional frustration, I burst my tears. I cried to God, "Lord, why am I here? Why am I experiencing this? Am I not doing my best, which is what you want? Why do I have this experience? I am humble, why do I have these experience? have I not been courteous and helpful to them?"
I also experienced failure in exam. It's also something I almost can't accept. But I learned its purpose.
After releasing that tension inside me (it was night, after training, and I have a batchmate whom I go home with), I went to the lower level - the place where I came from (with regards to work). A good friend allowed me to express my frustration and disgust with my batchmates (not all of them, but those close to me whom I made the stupid mistake of making expectations), and explained to me a few lesson about human relations. Better not to make the point written here - but it thought me not to make myself vulnerable.
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I wanted to file a leave, and for four attempts, I failed. I don't understand why. I really feel I need the leave - aside from the fact that I want to go to the activity of our alumni organization. All four times, my attempts were disapproved - someone else had taken the minimal slot. I don't understand - at first.
I understood later what was happening: God is taking charge of this important aspect of my work (my leaves). God is reserving this thing for something more important and in which it would be more useful. I have accepted God's wisdom on this. I decided to simply continue trying to apply for leave. God would allow me when I needed it, really.
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I watched two days ago a movie called "Along Came Polly." The intro highlighted a reality of life.
Ben Stiller (the character, that is) has just married the "Grace" in Will and Grace. They went to their honeymoon somewhere. In that first day of honeymoon, a nudist scuba-enthusiast Frenchman went by and invited them to scuba diving. "Grace" got to, but Ben was not into the idea - he's not fond of scuba diving. He decided to leave his wife with the guy since the activity he thought he could trust his wife.
He was dead wrong.
When he returned to the Frenchman's yacht, he could hear the flipper slapping the metal railing of the yacht while the French guy is on top of "Grace" - doing what you think they are doing, and something Ben didn't think his husband would do. I could almost feel the hair at my nape standing in dread.
It is difficult to trust. A woman, somehow, even more difficult. I maybe a chauvinist. I don't know. It was a comedy film, I know, but it is a story that is not exactly impossible. I have experienced something similar to that (Ben Stiller's character, that is). Don't ask how.
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How can you trust God when you don't trust people? It's a paradox for me.
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Human relations are very much uncertain - you can never be certain. You only rely on God and on His designated purpose for you.
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I recently had the opportunity to talk to my DBM friends again, and in a rare chance, I loved talking about national issues (which I feel disgust with when I get to read the headlines of newspapers). The topic started early in our time together - Culture vis-a-vis National Development.
The discussion started (as I remember) with the lights being prepared for the Christmas season. It became a sample of a tradition that seems to be hindering national development (actually, in part of national government's policy of saving energy).
My friend thought that Philippine traditions (and its general concept, in turn, culture) hinders national development. She thought of the idea as a possible topic for her master's thesis.
I responded that if she were knowledgeable of intercultural concepts, she would have already gotten the answer to that: No. Intercultural advocates determined the reason was from something else. But I could not answer the real source just yet.
Now, I remember the answer (I actually sent a text message to her of the summary already):
It's not culture that is hindering national development (but I would not argue if the idea is tradition) - because with culture comes reason and intent. I doubt if the Filipinos then and now have every intent of making the country and the Filipino people suffer. Tradition is a different thing, though. Tradition is simply the act of doing something that has been always done before.
It is the corruption of the reason or the values of the people. With culture comes the reason, and the reasons are the values system of the people. When people decided that they want to think this way to make this thing happen, that is when values become corrupted - the reason is forgotten, and only a twisted form of the previous action is retained.
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I didn't think my listing of topics was of any form, but when I looked on my list of topics (from my notebook), I was surprised to see this topic as related to the previous entry: Choosing between two good options.
I want to make decisions that are right and godly. On situations when the two choices are both not evil, or both are proper, a minor dilemma comes in. What do I do?
The answer should come from the one that was the source of hindrance in the previous topic - reason and purpose. What do I intent to do with a certain decision or course of action? If it is selfish or evil, even if the course of action is good, it should not be the choice that I should choose.
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Vulnerable guy. That is what I am. I don't want girls being close to me or touching me - I am vulnerable in that - to take the signals wrongly. I have to always maintain the control of my head that, No, this girl is not giving any signals... Girls are just like that nowadays - touchy without meaning anything, not considering that guys nowadays interpret it as they are interested to the guy.
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As I have mentioned earlier, however,
No amount of words, quality of expression, sincerity of sacrifice, or strength of love and action, can make a person understand if she does not want to.
The sparkle of the eyes says a lot... if a person only wants to listen.
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