What if I am not of truth?

Everyday, when I go home, I think, where am I going? Where is my life going? What is my purpose? Is there a sense in asking? I ask myself, When will God allow me to serve His purpose? I know God listens, but what is His answer?

* * *

I am tired.

* * *

Is the lack of motivation a motivation in itself?

* * *

What if I am not the true person people know?

What if I am not the very gentleman that you know?

What if I have every evil in my head and in my heart, and that all the good thing I am showing is for a selfish motive I am patiently brewing...

Would you like me?

What if I am not the virgin that you think?

What if I am just a loser in relationships?

What if I am a patient suicide killer, that even my own sanity cannot control?

What if I am a corrupted person that has known all things that evil could conceive?

Why did you like me?

I cannot imagine you even determining that I exist in this world...

What if all of these things are true and I never told them to you?

* * *

I want to watch the Gundam Seed Destiny episodes ASAP.

I have a lot to catch up on my Japanese lessons and intelligence studies.

Persons and Values

Before I got to sleep last night (err... morning), I thought of some specific people who have made an impact on my life. I would like to remember first the ladies. Ladies first.

Sheryl - A lowerclass sponsor who understands what I've been through, understands how I think (I think), and does not give me any special treatment.

Anne - A girl who has been a good friend, one whom I treated as a best friend, who is an expert in flirting, good thing they do not have real effect on me.

Vanessa - A brod who has treated me like her own blood-brother. She's understood my experiences and knows perfectly my standards and expectations.

Lissa - A person who is not exactly the same generation as I am, but I am grateful for her patience and care. Shows.

Ruth - A sister that has brought me a lot of troubles and problems. She has accepted me for who I am and I have done the same for her.

These are just a few of the things I appreciate of these values. I thank God these persons got into my life.

People Come and Go

Initiative vs. Roles. Yes. An irony of the various values of life. Accept your roles in  life, or take initiative and make changes to society for its development? How do you settle the two important concepts of living a life on earth? Is life for development, or for accepting your purpose?

* * *

Dream and Purpose. Another paradox. I dream of being something for myself, but I believe that I have a different purpose. I dream of two things: to be a teacher of God's Word, and a teacher of my career in communication, or a trainor. Not significantly different, but they are of different worlds. Can purpose be settled?

* * *

Accepting weakness against Development. Yes. Like initiative vis-a-vis roles, do you pursue development, or strive for people to accept you for who you are? Vice versa, do you strive to develop a person you love, or do you accept them for who they are? Sounds easy for other people, but, really, is it easy to balance? Is there a common ground?

* * *

You have to accept it. People come and go out of your life. People you love, people you put in high regard, people you value. Things come and go, but it is more difficult to realize and accept that people do come and go. They ravish you with flowery words, making you appreciate yourself in doing something for them, but after what you have done, you are like you never even existed in their life.

Accept it. People come and go.

* * *

The day before yesterday, (Sunday morning, I think), I was on the bus when I heard a very familiar song. It was one of the favorite songs of my buddy, She. I just got heard it before when I was in the Corps without listening. Even when we were in the parade and I was giving my lady sponsor the kiss (to the hand), I did not put it in my heart. That day, when I was in the bus, I was able to understand a bit why my brod liked it and decided to use it as the theme song for our Presentation of Sponsors.

Part of the song goes something like this:

She
May be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast

May turn each day into a heaven or a hell

She may be the mirror of my dreams

The smile reflected in a stream

She may not be what she may seem

Inside her shell