First Man In

I am quite surprised to hear from unexpected people them wanting to meet me. Really. I have come to expect that these people only contact me when they need help... Which is the reason when they contact me, I have already a feeling that they are in trouble again. Bad way of thinking - lack of faith - but understand my human weakness as well.

* * *

Dreaming. When I was a kid - or until the time when I was in second year college - I used to dream of myself flying. Really. It's like I have experienced what flying in the sky feels - not sitting inside a helicopter or an airplane. Really flying in the sky, rather, like Superman.

Nowadays, I remember those dreams only. I don't understand two things: why I dream those things, and why the thought have come to me these days as well. I want to understand why. It's like they are so important.

I believe they tell something about me, how I behave, or how I view life, or whatever. It tells something that I may not notice of myself but I know is criticial to my being.

* * *

Numbered Days. Yes. I have complained for the last 1 or 2 posts, and I feel now that I am ready to plunge into the unknown. I have done my best, but I feel like my efforts are going nowhere. I'm not improving. And I can't find a method of improving. It's like trying to improve is putting myself in danger or further collapse.

* * *

I read an article in "This day in history" over the Internet. The article was about Israel and Palestine's road to peace. Wow. The road to peace should not be guarded by arms and munitions, but glittered with laurel of peace. How about peace of mind, and internal, personal peace?

* * *

You have to do your work. And the pressure is present. Now, you have to be patted at the back, with a smile, and be sent a pop-up on you computer that you are not doing well.

O well. It's not her fault. It's all my fault. To a purpose that I still cannot understand.

* * *

First man in. First man out?

I am one of the first people who volunteered to this team. I volunteered without knowing if people would go with me. I didn't care about other people. I wanted to improve, I wanted to tell people that people in my previous team were not as incompetent as they think. No, we are competent like them. Multi-tasking? Just another skill to be learned. But technicial proficiency and skill competency? At the very least, equal.

Now, I have to wonder if I would be the first man out. That's not the correct procedure in a battle. In an invasion, the first man in is actually the last man out of an area - whether the mission has been aborted or if the mission has been continued and concluded. I feel like a soldier in a battlefield that has seen the giants and trembled in fear.

Or, have grown tired of the wrong intelligence provided by higher headquarters.

D*mn.