Intent and Objective

Just coming from a rest day, it has been 'fun'. I went nowhere, instead stayed at home. I slept at night, and slept at ciesta time. By the time I was drafting my blog entry, I took a bath since I didn't take a bath for the two days I did not go out. I feel refreshed.

* * *

It was not just the bath and two rest days which made me feel fresh and better, but rather the 30-minute discussion with God and meditation. It was very insightful, that Friday afternoon.

* * *

It started with a reading of John Maxwell's Leadership devotional book. The entry was about Christian leadership and the critical questions they face, whther they like to or not:

What is your dream?

What drives you?

What makes you happy?

* * *

About a week ago, an opening for a supervisor position came up. I was one of the first in our team to learn of it (Even the Team Manager has only sent the message the day after I read it.). I thought I'd like to give it a try.

Of course, before I decided, I considered some things. What team is the supervisor position for? Can I handle the responsibility? Do I fulfill the requirements? Of the questions answerable by "Yes" or "No," it was yes.

I was geared and disturbed at the same time about this situation. I wanted to apply if this is not the same team I am currently working as a tier 1 agent, but I thought of my reason if I were to apply for that job.

* * *

Day before I read the opening, I prayed to God that may He provide me some form of motivation tgo stay in the company. The stress level due to the work itself as well as the demand of our supervisor, plus my own standard of performance, are pushing me to the edge. I have given myself just two distinct deadlines for staying (paying my credit to a co-worker, and getting the bonus), and even those I am not sure. I want to leave this work and get to an easier one.

* * *

On my way home, I thought, however, when I was in college, I wanted a job that is challenging. Is the absence of motivation a challenge in itself? That moment, low on morale, I decided it was not worth a motivation or challenge. Goal and situation don't equate with the prize.

Not even learning and development were good enought. I was all that bad and demotivated. I do not even see myself improving. The highlight of my experience in my transfer were being barged and given realtime instructions to transfer the call to senior agents. I don't know how they could thing it is positively reinforcing agent performance. This team is working on the numbers, not the people. Ironically, that's what the company's name is all about.

That's how and why I thought of the idea of applying for the supervisor position.

A position where I could have an easier job and pursue my dream of being a teacher, because of relaxed standards, which would allow me to get a master's course next incoming school year.

I even thought I could do godly deeds being a teacher, but no. My mind was simply reacting to stress and environment, not properly and prudently responding.

* * *

The questions I read in the leadership devotional put everything back to its proper perspective.

The motivation for leadership is service, not self-centered goals.

The motivation for living is God's purpose. You're important, but you really rely on God.

Everything will come at its proper time, and God will make you ready first.

God will use you. Do not use God.

Faith in God is a life, not just a part of your day, not even just a way of life. Live your life in that life you decided to live.

* * *

After this, I sent a messagte to my baby sister. I have to get back on track of my roles in people's lives.

* * *

Trying to sleep, I thought, what type of person should I pursue for a girl friend? From common experience, model type, or friend? I do not know. I ddecided finally, I'll let God handle that. That's not one of my expertiese.

Inside and outside the Corps

"Pulutong, lumansag!" (Platoon, dismissed.)

After that command, we scrambled to get out of SSWC. The third class cadet officer told us that after he dismisses us, we must be outside of UP premises within five seconds.

After getting out of the CN gate, we exchanged numbers. I didn't have a mobile phone, so I gave the number of our house.

During COCC training, we never called anybody in our class.

We went home exhausted, getting a glimpse of the future four or so years - not in ROTC, but in UP.

Being a cadet officer is a lifestyle in UP Manila.

* * *

I have a 7:30AM class in Spanish I the next day, and I thought it would be like the other days I had before ROTC. But no. It's different.

It was very different.

I walked differently, that's for sure. I had to walk straight, I'm afraid cadet officers would see me slouching my way in college. I imagined myself being shouted at by a Co in the college, and I have to talk to him or her in FULL attention. I have to minimize the chance of a CO seeing me in a way they should not.

That way of walking, plus a couple (or company) of cadets who saw me the previous day, with their lady classmates, gave another difference. I didn't hear whispers like, "That man is a COC," or something, but I could see their eyes looking, I could now feel their glance at my back.

I have been marked.

Talk about not letting anyone know I was in COCC.

After waiting for a few minutes outside the classroom - we had to wait for the utility personnel to open the classrooms - we went inside. In our block, there were 5 guys. Four freshmen, 1 graduating. The rest of the 30-strong class is girls. Of the four freshman guys, only I was taking COCC.

So that I would not be tempted not to listen, I sat at the front. I have to take this seriously. We were told we have to maintain a grade in our acads to maintain officership.

I remembered our lesson in military correspondence. It included the last day of request for transfer (RTU) - or quitting. I thought, I'll give it another try.

* * *

In Philosophy I, our teacher did not attend class, because was the first time we met (a tradition being held religiously by professors). At that moment a group of students asked if they could do RTR (room to room, or give a speech in class). They all wore smilies and were very friendly, except this one suave guy who is observing me intently (he gives a smile to other people, though). What is this guy thinking?

All the other girls and guys spoke at the front. Student elections, that is what this is all about. The party was Katipunan.

The tall guy sat beside me and listened to his co-members. Is this a fratman who wants to recruit me? Why? Can't he see my thin and small body? I'm a useless comrade in a rumble, and I'm not going to make myself a slave for an honorless society (notice the qualification, though). Or is this a recruiter for this leftist organization?

"Nag-a-ROTC ka ba?" (Are you taking ROTC?) the guy asked first without looking at me, then turned his head with full attention.

"Oo" (Yes), I answered.

"Kilala mo ba ako?" (Do you know who I am?)

"Hindi po," (No, with a touch of respect.).

"Jury," he said, while tapping my shoulder. "Raya ako dati. Kumusta mo ako kina Joe." (I was with Raya before. Say hi to Joe for me.)

"COCC ako," I thoughtlessly blurted out, feeling a sense of superiority. Raya ka lang pala, eh. Mas Mataas ako sa'yo (In the future, I would ask for a 'wish' from this guy).

"Galingan mo," (Do good,) Jury said. Somehow, I felt a sense of real appreciation from this guy. I felt guilty for my feeling of competitive pride (I felt fear when I learned later who he really was.).

When he spoke, all the girls in our class were really listening., He has the looks, and he has the solid confidence that was a mix of his looks and a sense of competent authority. I only know of one fraternity that has a competent training for its members: Upsilon Sigma Phi (at least, that was what I thought then). So that's who this guy, I thought.

The way he spoke it, it was like he knows everyone in this class. He has complete control of the situation. He knows when to be funny, and when it is serious he could pull the class to his objective. I didn't think a guy in college could influence people this way.

When he was done, he thanked everyone for listening. They went out of the room for the next room. He let the others walk out of the room first.

When they went out, the girls and boys in our class were solid for this party (considering most of them were "coño").

* * *

With a coño set of blockmate, I could not go anywhere but wherever they are going. They, or we, went to this rather classy place (for that time), Manila Midtown Inn (as I remember). The price was competitive, to say the least, but it was my whole week's worth of money for that day's lunch. Tomorrow, I have to eat monay and softdrinks for lunch (on that day, I looked forward to transferring to PLM, where I thought I could save).

We had steak. It was the first time I ate that kind of dish. That day, I thought, I'll be separate from these people when I eat.

That "separation" started there, like a Pharisee, I separated myself to a purpose that at first was selfish, but became a call of duty.

All COs are called to be separate. They are indeed chosen to be separate.

* * *

Our last class for the first day is Mathematics 1.

Our teacher is challenging one for me. He is very mild-mannered, he is very intent in his words, he is very prudent in his writing. In short, he is boring. My last teacher in high school mathematics was very orderly, but he was able to maintain an air of openness and welcomeness for questions in the class. In this class, the boredom gags my mouth. I want to get out of this room ASAP!

Math 1 as a subject is very challenging itself for me. I cannot define its scope. It's like a UP-twisted elementary education mathematics.

I looked out of the window and saw the top part of the Supreme Court building. Do the judges need math? Do business people in communication need math?

I need math. In order to pass the course, I have to pass all my subjects. I have to love it. Why should I think of the hardships when I used to play with numbers like licking my lips - that's how easy math was for me.

I looked on the blackboard - and despair. What kind of math is this? This is worse than our Philo I class!

* * *

On my way out of the school, I looked on a poster of the student election parties. It looked like there are three types of parties. The activist, the conservative, and the midway.

The Katipunan represents the organizations that are radical, activist and "pro-masses." AESOP is the other end - conservative, rational, pro-status quo. ASAP is somewhere in the middle.

I remembered Jury being under the Katipunan's slate for CAS. I looked for his profile since it lists the highlights of academic and social achievements. The last item reads: "Cadet Officer, Rayadillo Company."

First Man In

I am quite surprised to hear from unexpected people them wanting to meet me. Really. I have come to expect that these people only contact me when they need help... Which is the reason when they contact me, I have already a feeling that they are in trouble again. Bad way of thinking - lack of faith - but understand my human weakness as well.

* * *

Dreaming. When I was a kid - or until the time when I was in second year college - I used to dream of myself flying. Really. It's like I have experienced what flying in the sky feels - not sitting inside a helicopter or an airplane. Really flying in the sky, rather, like Superman.

Nowadays, I remember those dreams only. I don't understand two things: why I dream those things, and why the thought have come to me these days as well. I want to understand why. It's like they are so important.

I believe they tell something about me, how I behave, or how I view life, or whatever. It tells something that I may not notice of myself but I know is criticial to my being.

* * *

Numbered Days. Yes. I have complained for the last 1 or 2 posts, and I feel now that I am ready to plunge into the unknown. I have done my best, but I feel like my efforts are going nowhere. I'm not improving. And I can't find a method of improving. It's like trying to improve is putting myself in danger or further collapse.

* * *

I read an article in "This day in history" over the Internet. The article was about Israel and Palestine's road to peace. Wow. The road to peace should not be guarded by arms and munitions, but glittered with laurel of peace. How about peace of mind, and internal, personal peace?

* * *

You have to do your work. And the pressure is present. Now, you have to be patted at the back, with a smile, and be sent a pop-up on you computer that you are not doing well.

O well. It's not her fault. It's all my fault. To a purpose that I still cannot understand.

* * *

First man in. First man out?

I am one of the first people who volunteered to this team. I volunteered without knowing if people would go with me. I didn't care about other people. I wanted to improve, I wanted to tell people that people in my previous team were not as incompetent as they think. No, we are competent like them. Multi-tasking? Just another skill to be learned. But technicial proficiency and skill competency? At the very least, equal.

Now, I have to wonder if I would be the first man out. That's not the correct procedure in a battle. In an invasion, the first man in is actually the last man out of an area - whether the mission has been aborted or if the mission has been continued and concluded. I feel like a soldier in a battlefield that has seen the giants and trembled in fear.

Or, have grown tired of the wrong intelligence provided by higher headquarters.

D*mn.

 

Pressure

It is hard. I could hardly feel anything good or positive. It is hard (again). I don't feel I am doing anything good. It makes me sad.

I work on the premise of making myself competent, proficient, or I know that there is something good that I would achieve. Here in Cable Voice, I could hardly feel that. I don't see any improvement in my stat... and not only I know or observe that. My supervisor also could tell. Well, it's his job. I am sad about this. I don't like myself pulling the team down. I don't understand. I could almost say I am ashamed of myself, but it's just I have this sort of feeling that if I continue to thread this hard waters, I could finish and survive... Yes, right now, it is just a matter of surviving. A lot of heavy hits that I don't know how to survive through.

* * *

I dreamt of a very dear friend... and the dream wasn't so good. It was scary. Scary for her... I think. I tried to call her so that I could just ask about her, but I could not call her number, always not available. Whatever.

* * *

Joke Time: Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show.

Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!

"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"

Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."

The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.

"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

* * *

Another favorite advertisement: Chippy (the dance number, particularly).

* * *

I have to go now. Later.

Lord, Take Charge!

Wow, I took note of the last time I posted to my blog before my first entry for September. I didn't post a single entry for AUGUST! Wow, work is really hard. I can't believe it I am surviving. To all my readers, work here in cable TS/CS/IS/Sales is really hard. I could miss Kana this way.

Anyway, as a result, there are a lot of things I want to talk about in this blog. I don't know how long this post would result, but this post would definitely have a lot of things I would like to talk about for the past month - those that I could remember, anyway.

* * *

It is challenging to determine what path to take - the concept of individuality and responsibility versus submission and reliance to God. It takes a deep understanding of the Scriptures and the meaning of Jesus' death to understand how to live your life. In my case, I have to know if I did make the proper decision. And even in my current attempts to file a leave, I have to follow God's will and let God take charge of my life - including my wish to take a leave from work.

First days of my training, my batch in training was pissing me - really. I wanted to quit and just shout at them that What are you doing this for? They were pissing me in ways that I really could not understand why are they doing the things they were doing when all that I was trying to do is pass through the course and make sure that I was learning something - particularly those that I really need to learn. I cannot brag that I am intelligent - I can only brag that I want to learn and that I want to push myself to learn because I am not a person of intelligence and memory storage. They were making fun of me... I don't know why, and until now, I don't know.

One day, I went to the wash room and went to one cubicle. In stress and emotional frustration, I burst my tears. I cried to God, "Lord, why am I here? Why am I experiencing this? Am I not doing my best, which is what you want? Why do I have this experience? I am humble, why do I have these experience? have I not been courteous and helpful to them?"

I also experienced failure in exam. It's also something I almost can't accept. But I learned its purpose.

After releasing that tension inside me (it was night, after training, and I have a batchmate whom I go home with), I went to the lower level - the place where I came from (with regards to work). A good friend allowed me to express my frustration and disgust with my batchmates (not all of them, but those close to me whom I made the stupid mistake of making expectations), and explained to me a few lesson about human relations. Better not to make the point written here - but it thought me not to make myself vulnerable.

* * *

I wanted to file a leave, and for four attempts, I failed. I don't understand why. I really feel I need the leave - aside from the fact that I want to go to the activity of our alumni organization. All four times, my attempts were disapproved - someone else had taken the minimal slot. I don't understand - at first.

I understood later what was happening: God is taking charge of this important aspect of my work (my leaves). God is reserving this thing for something more important and in which it would be more useful. I have accepted God's wisdom on this. I decided to simply continue trying to apply for leave. God would allow me when I needed it, really.

* * *

I watched two days ago a movie called "Along Came Polly." The intro highlighted a reality of life.

Ben Stiller (the character, that is) has just married the "Grace" in Will and Grace. They went to their honeymoon somewhere. In that first day of honeymoon, a nudist scuba-enthusiast Frenchman went by and invited them to scuba diving. "Grace" got to, but Ben was not into the idea - he's not fond of scuba diving. He decided to leave his wife with the guy since the activity he thought he could trust his wife.

He was dead wrong.

When he returned to the Frenchman's yacht, he could hear the flipper slapping the metal railing of the yacht while the French guy is on top of "Grace" - doing what you think they are doing, and something Ben didn't think his husband would do. I could almost feel the hair at my nape standing in dread.

It is difficult to trust. A woman, somehow, even more difficult. I maybe a chauvinist. I don't know. It was a comedy film, I know, but it is a story that is not exactly impossible. I have experienced something similar to that (Ben Stiller's character, that is). Don't ask how.

* * *

How can you trust God when you don't trust people? It's a paradox for me.

* * *

Human relations are very much uncertain - you can never be certain. You only rely on God and on His designated purpose for you.

* * *

I recently had the opportunity to talk to my DBM friends again, and in a rare chance, I loved talking about national issues (which I feel disgust with when I get to read the headlines of newspapers). The topic started early in our time together - Culture vis-a-vis National Development.

The discussion started (as I remember) with the lights being prepared for the Christmas season. It became a sample of a tradition that seems to be hindering national development (actually, in part of national government's policy of saving energy).

My friend thought that Philippine traditions (and its general concept, in turn, culture) hinders national development. She thought of the idea as a possible topic for her master's thesis.

I responded that if she were knowledgeable of intercultural concepts, she would have already gotten the answer to that: No. Intercultural advocates determined the reason was from something else. But I could not answer the real source just yet.

Now, I remember the answer (I actually sent a text message to her of the summary already):

It's not culture that is hindering national development (but I would not argue if the idea is tradition) - because with culture comes reason and intent. I doubt if the Filipinos then and now have every intent of making the country and the Filipino people suffer. Tradition is a different thing, though. Tradition is simply the act of doing something that has been always done before.

It is the corruption of the reason or the values of the people. With culture comes the reason, and the reasons are the values system of the people. When people decided that they want to think this way to make this thing happen, that is when values become corrupted - the reason is forgotten, and only a twisted form of the previous action is retained.

* * *

I didn't think my listing of topics was of any form, but when I looked on my list of topics (from my notebook), I was surprised to see this topic as related to the previous entry: Choosing between two good options.

I want to make decisions that are right and godly. On situations when the two choices are both not evil, or both are proper, a minor dilemma comes in. What do I do?

The answer should come from the one that was the source of hindrance in the previous topic - reason and purpose. What do I intent to do with a certain decision or course of action? If it is selfish or evil, even if the course of action is good, it should not be the choice that I should choose.

* * *

Vulnerable guy. That is what I am. I don't want girls being close to me or touching me - I am vulnerable in that - to take the signals wrongly. I have to always maintain the control of my head that, No, this girl is not giving any signals... Girls are just like that nowadays - touchy without meaning anything, not considering that guys nowadays interpret it as they are interested to the guy.

* * *

As I have mentioned earlier, however,

No amount of words, quality of expression, sincerity of sacrifice, or strength of love and action, can make a person understand if she does not want to.

The sparkle of the eyes says a lot... if a person only wants to listen.

Perfect

I am not perfect. A lot of people see a very good image of me, even though I am trying (somehow) to express to them that I am not that good (though I want to be). When I express that I am seeing some girl as beautiful, they ask if I am sick. I am not perfect. I am a man. I appreciate beauty. I do not lust over women, but I appreciate (and I appreciate my self for appreciating) women and beauty. I am perhaps very judging (according to my MBTI typology test, I am "judging").

* * *

Work is very tiring. I have to determine what course of action I have to take. I have to determine what post-graduate course I would take. Law is both a tempting and challenging object, but I have to count the cost. It is not looking good.

* * *

I do not want to talk about politics in this blog (even though I have done in the past). I want to focus on personal/interpersonal/behavioral concerns.

* * *

I like the television commercial of Lucky Me Instant Pancit Canton (I am not advertising the product, I would like to clarify). I like the way the project manager (if that is what it was) conceptualized the role and character of Lucky and Edu Manzano. The characters are very effective in appealing to the television viewer.

* * *

I also like the PR (public relations) effort of PLDT with DILG. "Walang kinikilala ang mga kriminal, pero puwede mo silang kilalanin," or something like that.

* * *

Freedom.

* * *

I have a lot of things to say, but my list is not with me. Next time.

* * *

I hope to update my UPM CO blog. I need more time. Maybe on Friday.

* * *

Last Friday night, I went out with my friends in DBM. The group was very fun. While we were just in the cab (we were going to Yellow Cab), we talked about the politics - the 'feature' of the group. It was intellectually arousing. I missed that group. I hope we could go out again.