Friends again - Pa'no kung kriminal ako

Again. It has been a while last time I posted here. Well. Nothing new. Just some frustrating experiences, as usual. User-friendly people, Unlikely performance, difficulty finding a job. Wow. Nothing new to post, really.

Well, friends come and go. The first semester in my masters just finished. I learned from my teacher in accounting that the papers I already submitted are missing, so I am here online to send again the papers. Wow. I was supposed to be relaxing, waiting for the grades, when suddenly, I have to cram in two hours all the assignments that I usually do in days - it is accounting, and I was a communication major, so please give me some credit.

Finding a job is not as easy as I think it should be. Finding a job is easy, but getting the job that I like and want is different. I want a training job, but that is not as easy.

Friends come and go. I know friends come in different ways. Like through text. They also go like they never met you. Wow. People can be so unfriendly, sometimes. Well, they are user-friendly. It's just that I have high standards for friends. See.

What else can I say. I have this 'new friend' that sent me a message using unlimited service with Globe. Wow. I have to give her a chance. Well, she's 16 years old, she told me. I don't know. Her cousin's friendster profile is like 14, who is also third year high school. I have to review high school psychology, I guess. I told her, after asking a lot of questions, " Hindi mo ba gusto makilala ang kausap mo? Paano kung kriminal ako?"

Friends....ter

I didn't appreciate Friendster before. I just used it before so that I can have a presence in my friends' account. Now, however, I am realizing how important or particularly it has its purpose. The testimonials, in particular.

 

I am resigning. I sent my friends an email about it. Well. In our conversations, my quality analyst sent me this in a second reply:

 

"hehehe... diba sabi ko sa iyo dati pa... sa email batch mo ikaw may potential? ikaw yung minamalas lang pero very damn talented. hayaan mo sila... they're just worried about you kasi akala nila madali kang kaya-kayanin ng malupit na mundo... i congratulate you... coz you could do what i could never... you got up and decided to leave on ur own... no regrets... you followed your path... i know wherever the wind takes you you'll make a good impression... after all... u managed to impress me... and that's no small feat my friend... my trusted agent... be strong... heck i know you are ."

 

'Testimonial' material, don't you think?

* * *

Unwarranted expectations disappointed. That is the context of the previous post. Why the Tagalog title? No message in that, really, it is just that it expresses perfectly the feeling of the message.

Why do people expect? I don't know. I do that. I know it is wrong... well, not exactly wrong but not logical. Well, I guess even with hope, you still get hurt, but not that much. That's why it might be so much painful, but you could stand up again and walk straight.

Nakakapagpalungkot na kalayaan

We meet, and each other, we greet. Who are you again?
I saw something around you, an aura of heaven.
My perception is confusing me, who are you in reality?
I don't know, perhaps, my two extra eyes confuse me.

You smile, you praise, you make me feel complete.
Who are you, that your presence destroys my shield?
An armor of shadow, you poke with waterly force.
Until you reveal, your greater beauty is beneath.

But you are not the one I seek, you Angel.
I am of beyond, without feelings and feeling nowhere.
Until I learn that the dream, has a destiny of its own.
Oh, how expensive the cost of reality is... my dream.

Writing

It is terrible a feeling to face the computer (which you rent for the net access), open the email, and type your post, not knowing what to write about.

The post is simply a deluted amount of the thousands of ideas that you want to write about when you are not in front of the monitor, and your chest is bursting with ideas and emotions to write about.

Like this post, for example.

Number, one, there are definitely a lot of things that I complain about not being able to write - because I cannot remember.

Number two, when you try to write, and you try to edit, the things you have typed disappears after you make some changes in the settings -- which is exactly what happened.

I could almost hate it.

Lesson learned: Edit the settings before you type your thoughts.

* * *

Somebody asked me if I had vices, and I told that person that yes, I had vices. For most people, vices are social and psychologically related. For me, however, they are not. I know I could easily stop those vices then. I just refused to. It was my error.

Most of the time, the vices were rather reflection of my spiritual status - an act of rebellion. Yes. I am a sinner. Definitely. I wouldn't say a proud one, but I cannot lie to myself. I have sinned.

And those moments and periods of rebellion, I continually ask for forgiveness and I repent on these days. An act of atonement, sort of.

(Please, don't compare me to Kenshin...)

* * *

I hear people saying, "I miss you," or, "let's go out sometime," but when you invite them, they are always not ready.

I would like to say that I am guilty of that, but I still have to find that. Well, when I discontinue an appointment, it was something that I initiated, not something I refuse.

* * *

Wow, my birthday passed without a post.

Well, that is fine. I like it. I don't have to spend money for treating people.

But it is quite disappointing and hurtful not to get a greeting from people you would expect.

Expectancy Violation Theory, Interpersonal Communication.

* * *

Somebody asked me why I took college in seven years. I cannot say it was anybody's or some particular thing's fault. It was my own. Well, not really my fault in the negative connotation of the term. It was coincidental that that happened with my experience in the Corps. I made wrong decisions. In a way, I paid for it, but actually, it seems that it was the payment for the life I have now.

I mean, if not for that seven (actually, 6.5) years, I am sure I would live differently. I have a different circle of friends. I probably would not be posting this message here. I probably would not be answering this question (definitely not), and I would not be asked that question by that person.

That question was a good one.

It helped me put some things in perspective.

Like the values of things.

The people in my life.

The experience as a lesson, a message, an action and faith.

Would I have lived life a bit differently?

I don't know.

Because if I did, I wouldn't meet the people I have around me. Including that person.

* * *

The questions. Yes. Two questions. Why?

I just got out of work, and the company asked me to sign something that has not been explained. The paper was routine document about security. I have signed dozens of those before, printed in paper and electronically. Now, however, the paper presented something different. I asked, "Why?"

I explained that the paper itself was immaterial. I actually have to ask myself, why did I respond that way? Why did I ask? Why did I simply not sign it? There was no question on whether it was a threat or a tool, but the message being passed in that form is difficult to understand. I said, "There is a value and property here that is not being recognized, the form."

Asking why helped me evaluate - no, let me correct that -- assess myself. Not to be just critical for being critical - that could be the most stupid thing a person asking questions can live by - to be critical for living critical. It is definitely more stupid than living by a boring life due to a faith in a higher power.

I asked questions so that I could find answers, and find improvement in things that are not proper.

Or maybe, I thought I was threatened.

In any case, it woke me up.

Hmm. I've been online for one hour and fifteen minutes. Time to log out.

Tagalog

This is definitely way too late. There are a lot of developments and movements past. I don't know if they are still worth writing about, but since the purpose of this blog is to remind me of things and lessons, I should write them.

Romance, Job, Responsibility and Purpose.

* * *

Prospects:

I could almost say I hate romance. It is so deceiving.

I notice a lot of ladies that are very pretty and attractive, but I am rather cautious. Everytime I see an opportunity, I remember the act of treachery and unfaithfulness. I wonder if this would end?

Prospects. I sent a message to two friends of mine, and one replied with may prospect. I guess you could say that. Just wondering how they came across that idea.

* * *

I am tired of this job. I am not motivated. I feel like a mouse that has finally learned helplessness.

* * *

Friends. I mistook good-time friends for true friends. Now, they are nowhere. True friends, not always there, but there when you need them.

* * *

Bob Ong lessons that I agree a lot:

From Stainless Longanisa:

You don't have to be good to do good (but you must be good).

From Ang Paboritong Libro ni Hudas (i.e., Libro ng Demonyo, Sinturon ni Hudas):

Believe in God (for a humor book, it does blend serious topics nicely). Appreciate God.

* * *

What a feeling I feel. I remember Rick Warren's book, Purpose Driven Life. He mentioned something about being purposeful does not mean being successful. No. It does not even mean that you would necessarily be happy. I wonder if that is what would happen to me.

* * *

Master's program. What a problem I have gotten myself into. I am in a probationary status - meaning that I have to get 1.75 GWA for the first semester to stay. That is the first time I have heard of that kind in my life. I mean, I have never been in a master's program, but I never heard of being accepted on a probationary status in the University level, much less in the master's program. The reason is that you are simply either cut for it or not. I feel like that person is simply accepting a lot of people so that they get money, while they fight it out like survival of the fittest. I don't think that is correct. It is actually unfair. Applicants did their best to get into it, understanding that that is the process they will know if they are cut for it. But when they get into it, they are put into a probationary status. It feels like the examiner or the checker was so lazy that he accepted everyone, and let the professors decide who is fit. This is ... I don't know. I don't want to judge.

Tired

Wow, what do I really do?
I am tired.
But I got enrolled in my master's. First day funk this Friday afternoon. I know I will miss the good life - I mean, gimmicks. I have to discipline myself regarding finance and other stuff. Time is another concern.
Work is DEMotivating. I don't any progress in my effort to achieve my objectives. Loosen up? I don't know. I only have heard of, "shape up, or ship out!"
So, what do I really do?
I don't know. I am considering of getting out of my current job and seek another, one more stable. Get a job that complements my master's load. I don't need a lot of money. I only have to consider that I have two priorities: family and academics. Anything else is either a means to those ends or a hindrance.
I wonder what will happen...?
I don't have any idea what to write anymore. When I am not in front of the computer, I feel like I have a lot of things to write about... but not now.
Miss my friends... from the Corps, from DBM, from high school, college, from the student assistants... from all circles of my life.
This master's hopefully pays off.
What would I do?

CSI: Da Vinci Code

I am still reading Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code, and I just reached the part discussing the Last Supper, Mary Magdalene's role, and Jesus Christ's humanity and godhood. I don't know Brown's sources, I don't have anything to contest about the errors on the geography and art works - because I know nothing about them - but I am troubled and I now appreciate the misinformation Brown is using... and he is insisting that the facts are real... Or maybe I am looking too much into this. Reacting on to a work fiction.

Brown is speculating from a collection of paintings. Anyone can do that - it is called fiction. Just like Jerry Bruckheimer's National Treasure (2004), it weaves known facts into what if or what could be. People who are not familiar with the Bible can easily be tricked by using certain words in the Bible. Satan himself used the Bible against Jesus (i.e., Matthew 4:1-11).

The troubling thought is the irresponsibility of the artist (I have to give Brown that privilege since this is the only way to give him some sort of responsibility, I must confess.).

Artist have social responsibility of truth. If fiction would be propagated as truth, that is a lie. It is different with trying to tell people "What if?" and telling them that it is just an idea (like Sixth Sense). It is different when you tell the readers of your book that all things and records in the book are factual and weave and play through facts to get some cash and get a minute of fame.

Literary critics, art historians, Bible scholars and Church authorities all have problem with Brown's contention.

Brown is starting from a speculation of a historically unacceptable rendition of the Last Supper. As G. Steve Kinnard (1984) noted in Getting the Most from the Bible, Da Vinci got a Biblical event and put it in his own context - Bible readers and Christians should do the opposite: put away contemporary understanding and get into the cultural and social background (something I learned in literary and art criticism as cultural and social investigation, or what I called "CSI"). Brown's keystone (his term) is not solid, and like any architect or engineer would tell you, a weak keystone is bound to crash the whole structure. Whether Da Vinci is a grand master of Priory of Sion or not, he made a mistake, and Dan Brown was banking on that error.

Another poorly researched - but effectively speculated - idea is Magdalene's being from the tribe of Benjamin. So what? Most of the Israelites of that day were Jews. There is no even concept of Israel. Jews are all members of the tribe of Judah. Jesus could be married to any girl, and she would be a Jew - and Jews are the line of rulers, like the tribe of Benjamin. Speculation of making Magdalene the appropriate woman to be married to Jesus because she came from a tribe of rulers is like taking one matchstick from a box and telling people that that matchstick is better than all the others from the same box. All Jewish men and women are of the line of Judah, nothing less than the tribe Magdalene could have been. When the schism of the Ten Tribes happened, Judah and Benjamin remained loyal to the Davidic dynasty. All the other tribes were lost with the Assyrian invasion. It is just natural that a girl living in Israel would come from a line of rulers.

Here is  a good link I found in Google Mail text ad:

http://www.ignatius.com/books/davincihoax/thefacts/

Here is Brown's answer:

http://www.danbrown.com/novels/davinci_code/faqs.html

I feel that Brown's work of fiction is very effective, and it is definitely an interesting read - no doubt the equal of what if style authors like Tom Clancy. My concern, however, is his seeming irresponsibility as an artist. Well. American (is he an American?) culture does have that tendency - let the person decide. Look how people did it in Judges.

He also claims that he did it to spark interest on faith and religion. Well, all I can say is that for behavior of getting attention by using tantrums or being a black sheep is for the immature. This Machiavellian method is not the Biblical way.

Christianity and Gospels

A new friend of mine was asked, "Hindi ka naman Catholic, 'di ba? Bakit ka nagbabasa ng Bible?"

I was quick to tell him and answer, "E bakit ikaw, Catholic, hindi nagbabasa ng Bible?"

* * *

This has been narrated in the situation of the guy being interested in the Bible. An interesting guy, who is interested in the Bible for intellectual knowledge, due to fear and out of other reasons. Then came this National Geographic Special about the "Gospel of Judas." I wonder where they get this as being a "gospel," when being called a "gospel" has a different meaning. I mean, it's like if they find an old paper, if it talks about Jesus, even if it is not about His life or something doctrinal, they label it "gospel."

Here is a part of a pretty competent discussion on what a gospel is. While I do not agree on some anthro-linguistic observations, it provides proper discussion on meaning and purpose of gospel (I'm being a bit redundant, I think - it is inherent in a gospel to have a purpose.).

 

What is a Gospel

by James Still

Gospel is derived from the Greek word euaggelion and means "good news." The genre of gospels include the four canonical books of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John as well as some extrabiblical gospels written in the second century. The good news written about Jesus the Anointed (The Jewish Messiah) organized the oral tradition about him into connected narratives to form a smooth transitional story. The chronology that the Evangelists (the anonymous authors who wrote the four gospels) used begins with John the Baptist and the baptism of the Messiah, to his ministry, arrest, death and resurrection. Although a misconception still exists that refers to the gospels as a biography of Jesus--due to Justin Marytr's reference c. 150 CE that the gospels were the "memoirs of the apostles" and the fact that early Christians came to see them that way--the evidence suggests that the Evangelists arranged the stories about Jesus in an order to suit their telling of an aesthetic story, rather than as a chronology of the events as they actually took place.

It is important to fit the gospels into an appropriate genre in order to understand them. The letter-writing genre (that the Apostle Paul used to communicate with the churches in the Diaspora) was well known in the first century. Likewise Jewish apocalyptic genre was also familiar to the readers of the time, so that books such as Daniel and Revelation were understood in the context of apocalypses. But the genre we now call "gospel" was something new to the readers of the Evangelists. Did the Evangelists mean for their work to be read as strict biographies? Or perhaps it was well understood that some amount of poetic license was expected as long as it was based on a core of truthful events?

Due to the belief by most scholars today that Matthew and Luke's gospels were based on Mark's (the Synoptic Problem) Mark's gospel has received a great deal of attention. If the author of Mark's purpose can be understood, then the gospel genre may be understood as well. Form critics emphasize that Mark's gospel is composed of many smaller units called pericopes (pronounced per-RICK-a-pee) that are linked together by Mark into a larger framework. If Mark is seen in this fashion--as an editor or an anthologist--then form critics suggest that Mark obtained his material from either the existing collections of oral traditions about Jesus, or perhaps a pre-Markan "proto-gospel" which codified this oral tradition in a very primitive manner. The early members of the Jesus movement (who would later be called "Christians") spread the stories about Jesus by preaching, referred to by scholars as the kerygma (pronounced care-RIG-muh), literally "that which is proclaimed" and the role of the kerygma was probably essential to getting the sayings and deeds of Jesus to Rome where Mark is believed to have written his gospel between 65-71 CE.

Some scholars still suggest that the gospels are derivations from other genres of the period such as the dialogue, the tragedy, or the Greco-Roman literature piece. Source-critical methods of study suggest that Mark did not intend for his work to be a Greco-Roman biography in the tradition of the period, since he concentrates heavily on the themes of foreshadowing the plots against Jesus and, later, on Jesus' death. This is where redactive criticism has become involved in determining how to understand the genre. Redaction critics study the Sitz im Leben--"situation in life" or the motivation of the gospel-writers themselves in an attempt to understand why they came to write the gospel at all. Redaction critics emphasize the language, style, date and place of composition of a given gospel in order to place it appropriately within a context in order to gain a better understanding of the gospel and the intentions of the author.

Today, it is generally agreed upon that the gospel genre must contain two elements in order to be called a gospel. The work must embody the stories and kerygma of the early Jesus movement and it must organize these elements into a narrative outline.

From http://www.infidels.org/library/modern/james_still/gospel.html

 

* * *

This is a very fun and intellectual discussion of what a gospel is.

http://thisgospel.convergencymedia.com/index.php?page=writings/Gospel.htm

 

* * *

On various "gospels," people who "unearth" gospels think that they discover conspiracies, unknown information, or secret knowledge. What they fail to understand, in my observation, is that they are proposing the truth of the documents without knowing who the writers are, or that the writers really are the ones who wrote the documents, and not someone who is writing in a renown person's name (which has been already verified with Canonical documents).

Further, they fail to realize that whether the documents are true or not, the writers are humans who think they know what is happening. Their observation - no, make that perception , which is a summary of the information taken in by the senses - is what they write. Unlike the Canonical gospels' message, they are telling things that are not referring to the Spiritual need, but a quest for " knowledge" and that knowledge would free you, so they are writing for things other than God's purpose, defeating the very meaning of being 'inspired.' 

(Why do you strive to be free when becoming a Christian means becoming a slave to Christ? That's the ultimate form of existence and the ultimate purpose. Anything that purports anything else is ungodly.)

Non-canonical 'gospels' do not give the concrete message that Jesus gave - God's love as the fulfillment of God's Law. Or I don't know. Maybe it is just the reporters who sensationalize the manuscripts, who do not take the time to read the documents, and focus on things that are not spiritually needed but what their networks would be able to bank on for profit.

What a crazy world. But again, a gospel is just another word for God's Good News (thus, gospel).

Prophecy for Today

What is a prophecy? It is not about telling what would happen, but just telling the Word of God through a human being.

What is the message here? Do not focus on the things that are not material to salvation and faith. Focus on God's everlasting and complete love, and your purpose in His plan.

Celebrate the Holy Thursday with renewal of spirit.  

Isaiah 53

 1 Who has believed our message
       and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?

 2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
       and like a root out of dry ground.
       He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
       nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

 3 He was despised and rejected by men,
       a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
       Like one from whom men hide their faces
       he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

 4 Surely he took up our infirmities
       and carried our sorrows,
       yet we considered him stricken by God,
       smitten by him, and afflicted.

 5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
       he was crushed for our iniquities;
       the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
       and by his wounds we are healed.

 6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
       each of us has turned to his own way;
       and the LORD has laid on him
       the iniquity of us all.

 7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
       yet he did not open his mouth;
       he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
       and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
       so he did not open his mouth.

 8 By oppression ^{[ a ]} and judgment he was taken away.
       And who can speak of his descendants?
       For he was cut off from the land of the living;
       for the transgression of my people he was stricken. ^{[ b ]}

 9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
       and with the rich in his death,
       though he had done no violence,
       nor was any deceit in his mouth.

 10 Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
       and though the LORD makes ^{[ c]} his life a guilt offering,
       he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
       and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

 11 After the suffering of his soul,
       he will see the light of life ^{[ d]} and be satisfied ^{[ e]} ;
       by his knowledge ^{[ f]} my righteous servant will justify many,
       and he will bear their iniquities.

 12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, ^{[ g]}
       and he will divide the spoils with the strong, ^{[ h]}
       because he poured out his life unto death,
       and was numbered with the transgressors.
       For he bore the sin of many,
       and made intercession for the transgressors.

Footnotes:

1. Isaiah 53:8 Or From arrest
2. Isaiah 53:8 Or away. / Yet who of his generation considered / that he was cut off from the land of the living / for the transgression of my people, / to whom the blow was due?
3. Isaiah 53:10 Hebrew though you make
4. Isaiah 53:11 Dead Sea Scrolls (see also Septuagint Masoretic Text does not have the light of life .
5. Isaiah 53:11 Or (with Masoretic Text) 11 He will see the result of the suffering of his soul / and be satisfied
6. Isaiah 53:11 Or by knowledge of him
7. Isaiah 53:12 Or many
8. Isaiah 53:12 Or numerous

Courtesy of BibleGateway.com

Summer

Ironic. I find it ironic.

I am now excited to go to school, now that it has been two years after graduating. After laboring more than six years to leave, now I am excited to go to school.

I'll be taking Economics 11 as a non-degree subject. One way of lowering the cost of taking the Master of Management program, as well as taking it outside the 2-year, 3-subject-per-semester plan I had. I actually have to think also about Accounting 1, which is another prerequisite. I'll worry about that, however, in the future. Now, I've to grab the chance of taking the Economics class in a summer term - outside the 2 years.

I wish I have a UPM ROTC shirt, particularly a Kampilan Battle Group shirt. I would like to distinguish myself. Well, I would be with kids who are just leaving their freshman year, going to third year at best (under their usual program). I would like to tell them of this guy who experienced ROTC and not this program called NSTP. That there is a person who looks thin from the outside but has endured long sleepless nightS, handled projects in a background of academic deadlines and Corps projects, talked to UPM administration officials and participated in Army activities for various high-ranking government officials like the Secretary of National Defense, among others.

I would like to continue my blog about the Cadet Officer's life. Well, when time permits (like duh... I hope to enrol myself in a master's program!).

I wonder what would happen when I attend my first class in the Master's program? Well, that's too far ahead. Let's think about taking the first day of the Economics 11 first...

This must be Indian

I wonder how Indians talk.... No, I don't really wonder about it. I have to wonder how Americans think...

When they hear a different intonation, they think that the agent is Indian. I mean, there is a significant difference on how an Indian talks and speaks. They... I don't know. It's just like any other person , not any particular race. There are people who are better (My bias, of course, is that we are better in American English.) by individual, not because of the race. Their discrimination is their discrimination and stereotyping of Indians... Poor Indians. Whoever fails English due to how they sound, they are Indians. Being an Indian is like the description for a poor speaker of English.

Well, for me, I almost am drawn to think that Americans are stupid.... Intelligence is different from being smart. They may be intelligent, but they are low on... skills and attitude needed for proper interpersonal relationship. No wonder a lot of interpersonal specialists are Americans.

Of course, it is not the case, but a person having an intonation is not always an Indian.

This is neither a defense on the Indian nor an insult to my race. This is perhaps an appeal to how Americans should think.

Or maybe, I am just defending myself. Heheheh.

Decision

It's been a long day yesterday. I woke up 5 in the morning, to give the stool sample for the annual physical exam, then supposedly to have breakfast with someone. My co-worker did not go to work the night before, so I just stayed until about 10 in the morning.My friend Pao invited me to watch a movie, but then cancelled for a reason I would never and not interested to know.

At the start of the day, I decided to have my objective that at the end of the day, I must have a final decision on whether I would like to go for the master of business management program, or not. Perhaps the perceived time made it longer.

* * *

The reasons for taking the master's program by June are strong. I have the desire and the enthusiasm today. Also, I think I still have more knowledge today than what I would have in the future, about a year later. Time is also not on my side - better take it now and get the results later. It cannot work that I have a promotion now and have the master's later. Also, I need to do this as soon as possible if I want to be a professor.

A long-term point of taking the master's is that it would eventually strengthen my character and personal skills. This is going to be a tough road if I take it this term. I have to enrol this summer pre-requisuite subjects so that I could minimize subjects that I have to take by Graduate School proper. Summer class is taxing - 2 hours per day, everyday. Taking the master's would put out my social life immediately. And I have some personal tasks - tasks I have committed myself to for other people.

And the Character point is supposed to be an encouragement for me. But a challenge is something that I enjoy and I am for some reason drawn to it.

* * *

The points of not taking the program this June are certainly entertaining. Time is not on my side, a point I have mentioned earlier, works also against doing the program. I am wondering if taking the program as a challenge would rather be a nuisance instead of a challenge. Can I really do it? I am not certain of the things. I have a very predictable schedule, but I do not know what my graduate schedule would be like.

Finance would also strangle me - I want t get a PDA for my master's, but my finances are not adequate. I have planned the monthly expenses, I wonder if there is something that I could do. The finance capaability is partly cause of the weakened social activity - I don't have a great social life, and this would even nullify the existing one. I would have little maneuver room for my finance.

This would also put me to a 2 to 3-year committment. For a 9-unit semester, with another subject to be added, it is 2 years. Can I really commit myself to such a plan? (I have actually tried to relate this to a relationship - I don't know the answer, but I would know with this plan.)

Another drawback of doing it this semester is the lack of pre-requisite subjects. For some reason, I forgot to take some subjects I could and should have taken the semester before, like Econoimics 11 and Accounting 1. My lack of planning and waste of time in Cable diverted my attention to other things.

Now, Master of Business Management is the primary important thing in my schedule.

* * *

In the end, it was a long decision-making process. I thought I finally decided, "YES!" but by 1 in the morning (I spent some time with a friend til that time.), I thought, There are a lot of things I might not be considering and I might end up failing with a bad fall, so I thought before going to sleep, "No."

When I woke up, I thought, A lot of people think I can do it. I don't know if they really believe me, but I know myself that I could do this. God has allowed me to graduate UP Manila, finish ROTC in Advance Course with Duty Medal. This is not impossible.

In my journal, I wrote, I am driven by and drawn to challenges. I don't want to go the easy way and way of the mediocre. At the same time, I remember an Overdrive (a book about crisis management) idea, crisis is subjective. A crisis for a mediocre person would be easy for a person having a high standard of performance. I am drawing myself into a crisis situation!
At this, I have made my decision.

* * *

The next question: Which school? There are three schools which I am considering: PLM, PUP and UP.

In order to answer the question, I have these specific concerns or sub-questions:

• How much is the tuition fee?
• What are the requirements? Are there interviews? What are the pre-requisite subjects that I might need to take for business-oriented master programs.
• How many units?

Only one thing could stop me from going to Master's program: Failure in the entrance exam. No, not motivation would fail me.

Bye, society.

A Plan for Revolution

More than 3 years ago, I was with my brod Jerome coming home from a class gimmick. We were in Bulacan, and it was night. I was looking on the road not knowing what would happen.

Suddenly, an old man (seemed to be drunk, but definitely old) was hit on his bike's bars and he dropped - in God's grace, he did not get hit again - in the middle of the road. It seems that the truck hit him and did not bother to stop.

I did not see it. But Jerome, who was driving, did.

Jerome pursued the truck, and signalled for the driver to stop. Without incident, the driver halted the vehicle, and another person, we learned, was following the truck. Jerome explained to the driver that they hit a person and that they did not stop. I sensed the moment Jerome stepped out of the car that he was ready to go to a fight if the driver and his co-worker denied the incident. I was just behind him, ready to back him up but not to start any fight.

The other person who was following "us" turned out to be the city's previous mayor. I don't remember his name, but he introduced himself as such. We decided it would be helpful if the two guys would turn themselves in the police precinct to file a report of the incident.

When we continued to go home (after going back to the place to try to find the old biker, unsuccessfully), I told Jerome that I did not expect that from him, nor did I think that I would rather do that. It was admirable. Jerome said it was nothing. Anyone that witnessed that could have done that, he said. I don't think I would, though.

* * *

When I was on my way to work, heard of two adult men talking about EDSA "revolution." I don't know actually what they were talking, but I just thought that they could have been comparing EDSA 1 and 2. I didn't have confidence in either. The change was personal and not for the nation. The nation's pinning of hope on the people that assumed position were futile. Now, somebody wants to change the change that happened.

To those who think of revolution as the sort of the things soldiers do now is stupid - it's never going to be effective - effective meaning that there would be genuine change. A revolution is not just done to express unsatisfaction, rather it is to change the system and behavior of the nation. No EDSA ever did that.

A better format or plan for revolution could be gotten out of our own history - the first revolution of the Filipino people - led by Andres Bonifacio. Not the EDSAs, but in in Tagalog.

Andres Bonifacio, perceived as an empathic man of the poor, conceived a perfect revolution, perhaps taking note of the failures and successes of the revolutions he has read about - like the French Revolution. He conceived of a constitution (of sorts), a government, a process of change, objectives, and national unity. While alternative history points out that he was not leading a national revolution but just a local revolution, it is a model of a revolution in itself. He did not think of Intramuros alone, but a lot of provinces then.

* * *

Use of the media should be appropriate. The current attitude of the media would not guarantee the unity of the nation - it would rather guarantee a divided country and politics-based government. Instead, they should be used into their true purpose: public announcement. In a nation torn by uncertainty, the leaders of a revolution should provide the exact words, and control the media so that they don't make any stupid implications or interpretations of behavior or report on trivial, unimportant events just to focus out of things which they feel are not in their interest (which is what is happening right now). Their role of being the Fourth Estate would be returned after the new government

* * *

Soldiers should not - note, NEVER - be involved. The repeated inclusion of the military in a revolution weakens any new government. The government should use the military, not depend on it. The military is nothing but an arm - an arm, which is important, but an arm still. It does not have the heart nor the mind for the whole of the country.

Further, the inclusion of the military in a political exercise will make the future military organization political, which is something no military should ever be. The military would not attack the people's revolution if it is a national uprising. Thus, this would really reflect the role of both sides - the people and the military. The people should lead, not rely on the government, in nationbuilding. The military would only reflect the nation's interest - after all government agencies have failed. This condition is easy if all people are united in launching a revolution. When this happens, real change would be expected, a long-term one.

A political military weakens the nation as a whole. The military becomes involved easily in a power vacuum. The political leadership uses the military for personal purposes. It is a continuously circling down of deterioration.

* * *

In case there is a fear of the government's commanding of attacking the people, this will not happen. We are already in a global community. The media, while stupid, would look on any military attack on the people as an attack on its own interest. An attack of the military is worse than martial rule - it is military dictatorship - an environment that cannot be tolerated by the "freedom of expression" loving media.

* * *

Andres Bonifacio modeled the correct development of a revolution. A lot of people pronounce their plan to a lot of stupid and loud-mouthed people. Bonifacio used the Triangle method. One person recruited only two other people, who each in turn recruited another two. Thus, no person knows other people until they had a mass formation, which is rather very close to the time of mass uprising.

* * *

Today's Philippines execute the revolution in two critical players: the military and the media. Unless the leaders of a revolution understand the role of these two in a national revolution, there are only two consequences of a revolution - change of personality with a deterioriating nation, or anarchy. While Andres Bonifacio did not have the benefit of hindsight then (how in...?), he did have the proper understanding of these things. Sure, the situation is different, with a more popular media and more centralized military. But their roles do not change in a nation undergoing a critical process such as a cultural and political revolution. The people's will has to be identified and solidified, supported by these institutions on the background but not being led by them.

Wedding

I was watching a Koreanovela this morning, and I watched the lead man, Ryu something. The guy's character is a poor guy working a lot to achieve his dream or give something back to his mother (I don't really know). He got into a blind date with a girl who comes from a rich background. He has work and does well. The girl knows few of the concerns of poor people, but she is not entirely evil. She just doesn't know, and her encounter with this guy opened a new world for her.

And also for the guy. He did not like the girl - or something like that. He is living on an unknown past - he loves someone that did not return his love and is engaged to someone in Japan (the setting is, of course, in Korea). In their few initial dates, she gives her gifts which are so opposite his usual traditional preferences - like a man magazine (I don't know the correct term.). When they were no longer seeing (so far), he saw the magazine and learns there is some use to that piece of paper.

Seeing his character ignore the presence and the emphasized impact on his life makes me angry at him. I mean, here is a person whom you have felt has definitely made an impact on you, but you ignore her communication. You know she likes you, but you neglect her just because you long for someone you never know will come back and you know is engaged to someone else. You see how her personality complements your own (One of her weird talks gave him an idea on how to approach a person in official business.), but you don't acknowledge her. You act like a prick. The girl is even very beautiful.

That's when I remembered how I acted. I acted like that. Of course, at first, I thought, I didn't want to compare myself with him because his character is richer (considering that he's supposed to be poor), and he has a job that he likes. And the girl is beautiful. When I got back to the point of the issue, I was hit straight in the head - I ignored someone that was coming to me. Why? I don't know - that's probably a difference, but it did not matter. The point is that you are ignoring something for something you do not know.

I remember my article about the Category 3 A$$hole. I tried to put myself in his situation - concentrating on my work and goals, with a responsibility to the family. Coming from a poor background, meets a girl with happy-go-lucky attitude. Is it so hard? Who's at fault?

* * *

Doing some cramming in the office for my graduate studies education, I see people looking at my papers with great interest. I mean, I understand that taking a master is a great feat, but anyone can try! Well, that's what I thought.

I remember the process of deciding if I were to start on June. I looked on the factors. Then, I read in my daily devotional for leaders (by John Maxwell), and the passage for today is about commitment. You would like to make sure of resources, but everything follows if you commitment.

Anyways, I am sort of confused with the way things are happening. The people that look up to me due to taking master degree are the people that I look up to for mastery in doing their job. Well, I guess it just says that I have my interest in learning, while they already have their skills in doing their job. Nonetheless, I still admire them.

It helps my self-appreciation considering that I am in a stage when I doubt if I would want to have my own family or live a single life. I read lots of books about leading a family in a Christian environment, only to decide that I want to be single. So far, all directions point towards that direction.

What will be the purpose for all the achievements? I learned a lot of things. God gave me a lot of gifts - life, character, attitude, friends - what is the sum purpose?

I am confused... of my future, not my sexuality. Heheheh.

Conflicts and Plans

It's more than a week since that Fort Bonifacio-Marine stand-off. Well, I've been off the blog for a long time. I don't like hearing the "noise" called "news."

I learned that Cory was going to Fort Bonifacio at that same time to "pray." What in...?! Why do you need to go to Fort Bonifacio to pray!? You proclaim that you are for the people, when you proclaim your insult to the people!

* * *

Compare how many deaths in the coups that happened in GMA's and Cory's presidencies.

* * *

I used to think that there is a need for a peaceful transition - to be proud this so-called People Power (even though I don't believe in that process before). Now, however, there is indeed a need for a full and complete (I don't know of the bloody) revolution. Only a revolution would make the the change complete and real - not just a change of personalities.

Mao Tse Tung (I didn't think I would like to use his example of revolution, but I am compelled to) designed the perfect revolution. It's just that his personal attitude affected severely the nation's culture. In the country, Marcos' New Democracy never came to reality, but I think it was the Maoist Revolution without the corruption of personal attitude problems.

* * *

Thinking of my 2008 plans, and programming my budget for the next two years, makes me a bit hesitant of the graduate school. I plan to take a Master of Management, and my original plan (conceived in Summer 2004), conceived of concluding my master's in 2008. It's March 2006. Just two years.

In order to accomplish that objective, I have to stay in the company (I think), save and avoid gimmicks. I have to save every pay the amount:

1,000 PhP for thesis

1,100 PhP for the semestral tuition

1,000 PhP for personal school maintenance (something unexpected)

500 PhP for maintenance

That is for the salary of ... well. Let's leave it at that.

I plan to enrol in the 3 core subjects for the first semester (If I were able to take this last year, I planned to have only 2 core subjects to test if I could carry more.). That would continue until the thesis semester, when I plan to have less load - like the thesis only.

What's going to happen in my life?

Wow, good-bye love life! Heheheheh!

When I die

I feel tired. This job is definitely taxing. It's sucking the energy out of me. Worse, getting sleep is a hard time.

I have actually already come to the way of thinking that if you feel tired after waking up, you have rested.

* * *

When the past is too much, enjoy the present. If the present is hard, look forward.

* * *

When I die, what would you feel?

I've been thinking of what people would think or feel when I die.

Have I made an impact on their lives? Have I been important? Have I helped them? Have I served my purpose in their lives?

Would they cry, thinking that they felt love for me but never expressed it?

Or would they smile, knowing that we've had our best times as much as we could?

On my end, I try to relate to people in such a way that for the people I love, I told them or made them feel that I loved them, so that when they die, I won't be sad or disappointed knowing that I wasted time - spent time with them without telling how valuable they are for me.

I miss people, I must confess. But that's it. I also tell that to people. I want them to feel that there is somebody that is brave enough to tell them they are being loved and appreciated.

Are you ready to die?

Honestly, I am... not yet. For another reason, though.

* * *

Watching Close to you gave me another understanding of relationships.

The What if syndrome.

I remember a similar situation on my experience. No, we did not happen to have that argumentation like the one Lloyd and Bea had in his car. Just a moment of realization on my end.

It's not just being afraid or selfish... there is more.

* * *

I have been thinking or imagining of a scenario when I give a special lady friend I have a gift for her birthday. I don't know what to give her, actually, just thinking of what I appreciate about her in that moment. I plan to give her a surprise...

Well, that's not the idea of the writing here. I just remember her giving me a kiss. For some stupid (for me) reason, that prompted me not to fall in love with her. For me, I feel like that act gave me a trust that was beyond anything I've had from a friend (lady, that is. My brods, of course, trust me with their lives, just like I do with them.). I feel like getting a hug is the act that would tell me that a person gave me unconditional love (whether romantic or platonic). That is, a kiss symbolizes trust, a hug (or an embrace) symbolizes love.

I don't know why. I'm feeling empathic these days, I guess.

* * *

Hmmm. I broke two relationships, and did I get anything? Immediately, I felt that I have failed - either myself or the other party. Or maybe both. But today - not really thinking about it, though - I thought that those experiences (failures) taught me a thing or two... either about relating, about myself, or my priorities. I learned that my there is a part of me that I never knew until I entered into a relationship. For those two very short relationships, new parts of myself reveal themselves to me. With the first, it was that I have been "clingy" (as my ex puts it). With the second, I have been an a$$hole (according to myself). In both cases, I learned that you learn something of yourself that comes out only when you are combined with another person in a unique way. There is another third relationship, but it actually happened before the two formal relationships - perhaps it was the most hurtful and most impacting. But it is past - I think.

I have been the perfect psychologist/behaviorist or relationship adviser, but I f*ck up when I deal with my own concerns. I didn't know I would end up this way. I thought I had everything planned and thought out. I don't like this.

My two younger brothers both have their girl friends. I don't have them. And my parents don't know that I had a relationship (like my recognition day in the Fraternity). I don't plan of letting them know. It is either I haven't found the person that I think I would be proud to introduce to them or there was no chance.

That's all for now...

Category 3 A$$shole

Long time. Miss posting here. Anyway, guess there are a lot of things to write about. Work. Friends. Love. Life.
Let's start with a lecture.
Categories of a$$holes.
Category 1 - These are the serious players. They play with people's feelings like they play with a ball for leisure - not even for a purpose. They don't know and don't even bother to know if they hurt people with what they do. I've seen some of these - not just in relating with people but with managing as well. Managing is not primarily about resources, but primarily about managing human resources, or people.
Category 2 - These are the people who know they hurt, but they don't care. It's like they take pleasure in pissing everyobody off.
Category 3 - This is where I think I belong. They know they hurt people, but they do it for a purpose. Of course, they don't compromise on another aspect of their life. In a movie, these are the characters that you see like they are justified, but it is just that they don't know how to communicate effectively. Like, "Why can't you just tell them what happened?" You really can't blame them, but they break the relationship. So they are a$$holes.
Like me.
* * *
Work has been easier. It's just difficult being called "Randy" instead of a christened name or a self-appointed nickname. Worse, that name is the name of the person of the creep who did not approve my... whatever. I'm just being bitter, I think.
* * *
It's been an awesome time with my two lady friends. They have been good listeners and "interrogators". I miss them. I don't want them to know, but I simply do miss them. Really, I don't want to meet them, sometimes, because, like I told them (or one of them, I think), when I meet them and have a time with them, I realize and feel how much I miss them and their value is made more tangible - by the feeling.
The value of the "date" is even enhanced when my mind drifts while I try to sleep (just before I type this article) - that they make me feel at ease and I really take a rest. I am not pretending to be anything like I do at work or with a person that I'm supposed to be knowing and letting myself known. With them, I am happy that I make funny faces, they laugh with genuine appreciation, and love that I know are complete. What friends I have.
* * *
I am again torn between adulthood and youth. I didn't know how to think of people, particularly people of the opposite sex. It's like this: when I see a girl, she's either too young or too mature. I don't know what's the type that I would like.
I see a path that is easier but I'm not sure if I would like to trek that one yet: Single. It's sort of easier: hard when it comes to romance, easier when going through the long dull predictable path of life that I tend to become attached to. Surprises are small parts that I don't appreciate yet when they come as normal. Surprises when they are not appreciated are unexpected contingencies or crises.

Adjusting

Last post I had here was about adjusting. I was very disappointed and hurt with the transfer. The way the transfer was presented, it pointed a finger to me and blamed me. Now, knowing the potentials of the new account, it is just okay. I must confess that it is still something I don't like (Sales is not my thing), but a single LOB (line of business) work is a stress reliever for me.

I miss again taking a bath in the day.

* * *

Challenges. There is a challenge. I have resolved before that I will give myself a chance to prove myself. In any case, whether I succeed or fail, I would not stay in the company anymore. Unless I get promoted to a position I like, of course, like a trainor.

* * *

I wonder where life will bring me. I have become almost fatalistic - depending on the whim of fate... which is actually something I have never believed in. O, well.

* * *

New prospects. New people. New chances, new challenges. Hmmm...

* * *

I like someone. She's a friend. I didn't think I would like her, as in, more special. Not a best friend, but she's definitely been a good friend. I remember the time when she listened to my confusion about relating. And she has same orientation with regards to... That's a clue to much.

* * *

Working for a company that I have worked in competition before is something difficult... I mean, I have always thought of ways to outdo this company, now I am now working towards this. It's like a Communication II exercise before... We were divided into two groups for a debate. We were given sides to think of arguments. When we started the debate, we were to take the side of the opposition. Wow. I understand that it should be easy, but I guess having a concept of loyalty is difficult. Switching sides is the anti-thesis of loyalty.