Three Things

A friend asked me, if I were in front of God today (or yesterday), what would I say.
It took me about 15 seconds to come up with an answer:
I am sorry.
Thank you.
I believe I did my best.
If I die today, what would I say?Have I fulfilled my purpose? Is success a requirement? I want to be able to give my family a life that I know they deserve, but success is against purpose--in my situation, that is.
Let God decide, for I know not all that He has in mind.

Friends again - Pa'no kung kriminal ako

Again. It has been a while last time I posted here. Well. Nothing new. Just some frustrating experiences, as usual. User-friendly people, Unlikely performance, difficulty finding a job. Wow. Nothing new to post, really.

Well, friends come and go. The first semester in my masters just finished. I learned from my teacher in accounting that the papers I already submitted are missing, so I am here online to send again the papers. Wow. I was supposed to be relaxing, waiting for the grades, when suddenly, I have to cram in two hours all the assignments that I usually do in days - it is accounting, and I was a communication major, so please give me some credit.

Finding a job is not as easy as I think it should be. Finding a job is easy, but getting the job that I like and want is different. I want a training job, but that is not as easy.

Friends come and go. I know friends come in different ways. Like through text. They also go like they never met you. Wow. People can be so unfriendly, sometimes. Well, they are user-friendly. It's just that I have high standards for friends. See.

What else can I say. I have this 'new friend' that sent me a message using unlimited service with Globe. Wow. I have to give her a chance. Well, she's 16 years old, she told me. I don't know. Her cousin's friendster profile is like 14, who is also third year high school. I have to review high school psychology, I guess. I told her, after asking a lot of questions, " Hindi mo ba gusto makilala ang kausap mo? Paano kung kriminal ako?"

Friends....ter

I didn't appreciate Friendster before. I just used it before so that I can have a presence in my friends' account. Now, however, I am realizing how important or particularly it has its purpose. The testimonials, in particular.

 

I am resigning. I sent my friends an email about it. Well. In our conversations, my quality analyst sent me this in a second reply:

 

"hehehe... diba sabi ko sa iyo dati pa... sa email batch mo ikaw may potential? ikaw yung minamalas lang pero very damn talented. hayaan mo sila... they're just worried about you kasi akala nila madali kang kaya-kayanin ng malupit na mundo... i congratulate you... coz you could do what i could never... you got up and decided to leave on ur own... no regrets... you followed your path... i know wherever the wind takes you you'll make a good impression... after all... u managed to impress me... and that's no small feat my friend... my trusted agent... be strong... heck i know you are ."

 

'Testimonial' material, don't you think?

* * *

Unwarranted expectations disappointed. That is the context of the previous post. Why the Tagalog title? No message in that, really, it is just that it expresses perfectly the feeling of the message.

Why do people expect? I don't know. I do that. I know it is wrong... well, not exactly wrong but not logical. Well, I guess even with hope, you still get hurt, but not that much. That's why it might be so much painful, but you could stand up again and walk straight.

Nakakapagpalungkot na kalayaan

We meet, and each other, we greet. Who are you again?
I saw something around you, an aura of heaven.
My perception is confusing me, who are you in reality?
I don't know, perhaps, my two extra eyes confuse me.

You smile, you praise, you make me feel complete.
Who are you, that your presence destroys my shield?
An armor of shadow, you poke with waterly force.
Until you reveal, your greater beauty is beneath.

But you are not the one I seek, you Angel.
I am of beyond, without feelings and feeling nowhere.
Until I learn that the dream, has a destiny of its own.
Oh, how expensive the cost of reality is... my dream.

Writing

It is terrible a feeling to face the computer (which you rent for the net access), open the email, and type your post, not knowing what to write about.

The post is simply a deluted amount of the thousands of ideas that you want to write about when you are not in front of the monitor, and your chest is bursting with ideas and emotions to write about.

Like this post, for example.

Number, one, there are definitely a lot of things that I complain about not being able to write - because I cannot remember.

Number two, when you try to write, and you try to edit, the things you have typed disappears after you make some changes in the settings -- which is exactly what happened.

I could almost hate it.

Lesson learned: Edit the settings before you type your thoughts.

* * *

Somebody asked me if I had vices, and I told that person that yes, I had vices. For most people, vices are social and psychologically related. For me, however, they are not. I know I could easily stop those vices then. I just refused to. It was my error.

Most of the time, the vices were rather reflection of my spiritual status - an act of rebellion. Yes. I am a sinner. Definitely. I wouldn't say a proud one, but I cannot lie to myself. I have sinned.

And those moments and periods of rebellion, I continually ask for forgiveness and I repent on these days. An act of atonement, sort of.

(Please, don't compare me to Kenshin...)

* * *

I hear people saying, "I miss you," or, "let's go out sometime," but when you invite them, they are always not ready.

I would like to say that I am guilty of that, but I still have to find that. Well, when I discontinue an appointment, it was something that I initiated, not something I refuse.

* * *

Wow, my birthday passed without a post.

Well, that is fine. I like it. I don't have to spend money for treating people.

But it is quite disappointing and hurtful not to get a greeting from people you would expect.

Expectancy Violation Theory, Interpersonal Communication.

* * *

Somebody asked me why I took college in seven years. I cannot say it was anybody's or some particular thing's fault. It was my own. Well, not really my fault in the negative connotation of the term. It was coincidental that that happened with my experience in the Corps. I made wrong decisions. In a way, I paid for it, but actually, it seems that it was the payment for the life I have now.

I mean, if not for that seven (actually, 6.5) years, I am sure I would live differently. I have a different circle of friends. I probably would not be posting this message here. I probably would not be answering this question (definitely not), and I would not be asked that question by that person.

That question was a good one.

It helped me put some things in perspective.

Like the values of things.

The people in my life.

The experience as a lesson, a message, an action and faith.

Would I have lived life a bit differently?

I don't know.

Because if I did, I wouldn't meet the people I have around me. Including that person.

* * *

The questions. Yes. Two questions. Why?

I just got out of work, and the company asked me to sign something that has not been explained. The paper was routine document about security. I have signed dozens of those before, printed in paper and electronically. Now, however, the paper presented something different. I asked, "Why?"

I explained that the paper itself was immaterial. I actually have to ask myself, why did I respond that way? Why did I ask? Why did I simply not sign it? There was no question on whether it was a threat or a tool, but the message being passed in that form is difficult to understand. I said, "There is a value and property here that is not being recognized, the form."

Asking why helped me evaluate - no, let me correct that -- assess myself. Not to be just critical for being critical - that could be the most stupid thing a person asking questions can live by - to be critical for living critical. It is definitely more stupid than living by a boring life due to a faith in a higher power.

I asked questions so that I could find answers, and find improvement in things that are not proper.

Or maybe, I thought I was threatened.

In any case, it woke me up.

Hmm. I've been online for one hour and fifteen minutes. Time to log out.