Friends....ter

I didn't appreciate Friendster before. I just used it before so that I can have a presence in my friends' account. Now, however, I am realizing how important or particularly it has its purpose. The testimonials, in particular.

 

I am resigning. I sent my friends an email about it. Well. In our conversations, my quality analyst sent me this in a second reply:

 

"hehehe... diba sabi ko sa iyo dati pa... sa email batch mo ikaw may potential? ikaw yung minamalas lang pero very damn talented. hayaan mo sila... they're just worried about you kasi akala nila madali kang kaya-kayanin ng malupit na mundo... i congratulate you... coz you could do what i could never... you got up and decided to leave on ur own... no regrets... you followed your path... i know wherever the wind takes you you'll make a good impression... after all... u managed to impress me... and that's no small feat my friend... my trusted agent... be strong... heck i know you are ."

 

'Testimonial' material, don't you think?

* * *

Unwarranted expectations disappointed. That is the context of the previous post. Why the Tagalog title? No message in that, really, it is just that it expresses perfectly the feeling of the message.

Why do people expect? I don't know. I do that. I know it is wrong... well, not exactly wrong but not logical. Well, I guess even with hope, you still get hurt, but not that much. That's why it might be so much painful, but you could stand up again and walk straight.

Nakakapagpalungkot na kalayaan

We meet, and each other, we greet. Who are you again?
I saw something around you, an aura of heaven.
My perception is confusing me, who are you in reality?
I don't know, perhaps, my two extra eyes confuse me.

You smile, you praise, you make me feel complete.
Who are you, that your presence destroys my shield?
An armor of shadow, you poke with waterly force.
Until you reveal, your greater beauty is beneath.

But you are not the one I seek, you Angel.
I am of beyond, without feelings and feeling nowhere.
Until I learn that the dream, has a destiny of its own.
Oh, how expensive the cost of reality is... my dream.

Writing

It is terrible a feeling to face the computer (which you rent for the net access), open the email, and type your post, not knowing what to write about.

The post is simply a deluted amount of the thousands of ideas that you want to write about when you are not in front of the monitor, and your chest is bursting with ideas and emotions to write about.

Like this post, for example.

Number, one, there are definitely a lot of things that I complain about not being able to write - because I cannot remember.

Number two, when you try to write, and you try to edit, the things you have typed disappears after you make some changes in the settings -- which is exactly what happened.

I could almost hate it.

Lesson learned: Edit the settings before you type your thoughts.

* * *

Somebody asked me if I had vices, and I told that person that yes, I had vices. For most people, vices are social and psychologically related. For me, however, they are not. I know I could easily stop those vices then. I just refused to. It was my error.

Most of the time, the vices were rather reflection of my spiritual status - an act of rebellion. Yes. I am a sinner. Definitely. I wouldn't say a proud one, but I cannot lie to myself. I have sinned.

And those moments and periods of rebellion, I continually ask for forgiveness and I repent on these days. An act of atonement, sort of.

(Please, don't compare me to Kenshin...)

* * *

I hear people saying, "I miss you," or, "let's go out sometime," but when you invite them, they are always not ready.

I would like to say that I am guilty of that, but I still have to find that. Well, when I discontinue an appointment, it was something that I initiated, not something I refuse.

* * *

Wow, my birthday passed without a post.

Well, that is fine. I like it. I don't have to spend money for treating people.

But it is quite disappointing and hurtful not to get a greeting from people you would expect.

Expectancy Violation Theory, Interpersonal Communication.

* * *

Somebody asked me why I took college in seven years. I cannot say it was anybody's or some particular thing's fault. It was my own. Well, not really my fault in the negative connotation of the term. It was coincidental that that happened with my experience in the Corps. I made wrong decisions. In a way, I paid for it, but actually, it seems that it was the payment for the life I have now.

I mean, if not for that seven (actually, 6.5) years, I am sure I would live differently. I have a different circle of friends. I probably would not be posting this message here. I probably would not be answering this question (definitely not), and I would not be asked that question by that person.

That question was a good one.

It helped me put some things in perspective.

Like the values of things.

The people in my life.

The experience as a lesson, a message, an action and faith.

Would I have lived life a bit differently?

I don't know.

Because if I did, I wouldn't meet the people I have around me. Including that person.

* * *

The questions. Yes. Two questions. Why?

I just got out of work, and the company asked me to sign something that has not been explained. The paper was routine document about security. I have signed dozens of those before, printed in paper and electronically. Now, however, the paper presented something different. I asked, "Why?"

I explained that the paper itself was immaterial. I actually have to ask myself, why did I respond that way? Why did I ask? Why did I simply not sign it? There was no question on whether it was a threat or a tool, but the message being passed in that form is difficult to understand. I said, "There is a value and property here that is not being recognized, the form."

Asking why helped me evaluate - no, let me correct that -- assess myself. Not to be just critical for being critical - that could be the most stupid thing a person asking questions can live by - to be critical for living critical. It is definitely more stupid than living by a boring life due to a faith in a higher power.

I asked questions so that I could find answers, and find improvement in things that are not proper.

Or maybe, I thought I was threatened.

In any case, it woke me up.

Hmm. I've been online for one hour and fifteen minutes. Time to log out.

Tagalog

This is definitely way too late. There are a lot of developments and movements past. I don't know if they are still worth writing about, but since the purpose of this blog is to remind me of things and lessons, I should write them.

Romance, Job, Responsibility and Purpose.

* * *

Prospects:

I could almost say I hate romance. It is so deceiving.

I notice a lot of ladies that are very pretty and attractive, but I am rather cautious. Everytime I see an opportunity, I remember the act of treachery and unfaithfulness. I wonder if this would end?

Prospects. I sent a message to two friends of mine, and one replied with may prospect. I guess you could say that. Just wondering how they came across that idea.

* * *

I am tired of this job. I am not motivated. I feel like a mouse that has finally learned helplessness.

* * *

Friends. I mistook good-time friends for true friends. Now, they are nowhere. True friends, not always there, but there when you need them.

* * *

Bob Ong lessons that I agree a lot:

From Stainless Longanisa:

You don't have to be good to do good (but you must be good).

From Ang Paboritong Libro ni Hudas (i.e., Libro ng Demonyo, Sinturon ni Hudas):

Believe in God (for a humor book, it does blend serious topics nicely). Appreciate God.

* * *

What a feeling I feel. I remember Rick Warren's book, Purpose Driven Life. He mentioned something about being purposeful does not mean being successful. No. It does not even mean that you would necessarily be happy. I wonder if that is what would happen to me.

* * *

Master's program. What a problem I have gotten myself into. I am in a probationary status - meaning that I have to get 1.75 GWA for the first semester to stay. That is the first time I have heard of that kind in my life. I mean, I have never been in a master's program, but I never heard of being accepted on a probationary status in the University level, much less in the master's program. The reason is that you are simply either cut for it or not. I feel like that person is simply accepting a lot of people so that they get money, while they fight it out like survival of the fittest. I don't think that is correct. It is actually unfair. Applicants did their best to get into it, understanding that that is the process they will know if they are cut for it. But when they get into it, they are put into a probationary status. It feels like the examiner or the checker was so lazy that he accepted everyone, and let the professors decide who is fit. This is ... I don't know. I don't want to judge.

Tired

Wow, what do I really do?
I am tired.
But I got enrolled in my master's. First day funk this Friday afternoon. I know I will miss the good life - I mean, gimmicks. I have to discipline myself regarding finance and other stuff. Time is another concern.
Work is DEMotivating. I don't any progress in my effort to achieve my objectives. Loosen up? I don't know. I only have heard of, "shape up, or ship out!"
So, what do I really do?
I don't know. I am considering of getting out of my current job and seek another, one more stable. Get a job that complements my master's load. I don't need a lot of money. I only have to consider that I have two priorities: family and academics. Anything else is either a means to those ends or a hindrance.
I wonder what will happen...?
I don't have any idea what to write anymore. When I am not in front of the computer, I feel like I have a lot of things to write about... but not now.
Miss my friends... from the Corps, from DBM, from high school, college, from the student assistants... from all circles of my life.
This master's hopefully pays off.
What would I do?