Thinking for tomorrow

Okay. So I will try to post something tonight. It is 10:11 PM now, Sunday. I am trying to write something out of ... well, basically nothing.

I am writing now just from my head, not writing it down first as a draft. I will try to write something (I doubt if it is of any use or sensible meaning), just that I want to write again.

So today actually started late. I got up 8 or 8:30 am, I forgot. I then had exercise. As usual, 20 push-ups, 5 sets. Then the dumbbell. 30 pounds this time, 6 reps per arm, 5 forms (Does this make sense? I mean, I don't know how to describe what I did....).

After finishing the dumbbells, my nephew asked me to do the push-ups again - this time, with him on my back. I agreed, thinking I need that, but since I already did push-ups, I will just do 10. But after my 10th, he asked that I do it again (with him still on my back), but this time, we count in Filipino. Interesting.

So I did that, then ate breakfast and had coffee.

(For some reason, coffee, when I prepare it at home, is quite good!)

I just noticed that my verb tense is not as consistent (maybe not even accurate) as I thought it should be. I wonder if I would read this again before publishing...

Or if I would edit after I publish....

Anyway, moving on... I took a bath, ate lunch (tinolang manok!), then went to the office.

Yes, I went to the office.

I was supposed to meet a friend today, and I was thinking of consulting her regarding getting a house. But that did not happen. I have four or five articles that I need to finish, and it was raining. So I could not have met her and talked about that topic when I had those things in my head.

So I tried to write the following:

1. faculty conference 
2. research dissemination seminar
3. meeting of chancellor with PE faculty
4. foundation week
5. launch of the online journal

Of the five, I was able to complete  Number 1, 90% of Number 4, and 80% of Number 5. Number 3 is a very complicated - event? - thing so I could not begin with the time I had. Number 2... I cannot find the press briefing, so I definitely cannot write about it. I do not have basic facts for that (I do not even remember the topic of the seminar).

I went home just before 9 pm. My student assistant sent a message saying she saw the lights on my office, so she knew it was I who was at the office. By that, I also knew that she went to the mall to play arcade. Problematic student. I mean, not really as a student. She cannot stay at her dorm, she had to stay  somewhere just so that she  could avoid thinking about thinking. Poor one. I mean, even driving herself to a very busy state is not enough to stop her thinking about that ... thing? or person.

Anyway, now, I am typing this. On Blogger, I have a message that says, "An error occurred while trying to save or publish your post. Please try again. Ignore warning." I am not sure if this is because of my browser (Google Chrome) in an Ubuntu OS, or my broadband provider (and it is raining now).

For tomorrow, I have to finish all the articles and post them online. Also, I have to announce the call for papers. And there is a meeting at 9 am for Dean. I am not included, but I have to be at the office early because ... I just feel that I would be needed (conceited). 

On another note, I have to remember to send that report of the department regarding the fact-finding committee. Hmmm... Just thinking about them, I need to update my list for tomorrow. 

I hope I have a good sleep so that I can exercise.

Do you know who I am? Add me on Google+

The Distinct Shadow.

Missing writing

Wow, it has been a while since I last wrote something here. I do post some announcements in our College blog, but not much here. Maybe it is because I feel that the things I want to write about here are not really for 'unknown public' consumption. Hmmm...

Also, I do not know what to write about anymore. I feel that because I do not write here anymore, my writing is not as good as when I was in high school (when I was a writer for our publication). But what can I do?

As of now, one day after my 31st birthday, what should I write about? This Unseen Existence remains an unseen existence. Nope, a relationship does not mean you have already seen. Sometimes, it is rather disappointing to realize that just when you have been seen in a way that you thought you want to be, you end up hoping you have not been seen in the first place. Did you get it? Anyway.

A student assistant used that term, "wall flower" to describe that character in a story which is not noticed by the person most dear to him or her. So I posted in Kakao Talk (also in Facebook, but I deleted it almost immediately), "Wall flower? I would rather be an unseen existence."

What is an unseen existence? You exist. You are not there as a display. You do not care how other people view. Yes, even the person you hold dear. You are not seen. But you remain serving your purpose, a distinct shadow.

I hope I get to write more here.

But I think I wrote that one before.....

너 한테 난 누구 야?

It’s 12:28 AM, Philippine Time. I can’t sleep. I know why.

You said the other day that you will call me yesterday. You sent a message early in the morning telling me you did not have time to put on make-up, so you do not want to send me a picture.

At 11:00 PM, you have a new picture on Kakao Talk. Had I not sent you a message, you would not have remembered me at all. As always.

You had time to put on make-up for your friend who had a birthday, but you did not remember to send a picture or message to me.

Who am I? 너 한테 난 누구 야?

Do you think sending me a picture will put away my feelings? Do you know how I feel? Do you care?

Do I still want to know?

I continue to be an unseen existence.... A distinct shadow. Not special. Not regular. Just different. Like everyone else.

Almost a year after my last post, and I have to always remember who I am. 

People come and go. We have to define ourselves according to what God tells us, not how we want to be appreciated by people, who will always disappoint us.

Ascension

And if I go,
while you're still here...
Know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
--behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
--both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
...I will be there.

Ascension copyright ©1987, Colleen Corah Hitchcock

I love this poem.

20 July 2011

One day before I turn 30, I wish to blog again about being an unseen existence.

I have accomplished basically all my objectives: financial, academic, and career.

I continue to be an unseen existence, a distinct shadow that follows without being seen while being distinctly for one.

I believe my existence has been an unseen but useful, functional and meaningful one for the people I serve and love.

It is just hard to accept that the existence is unseen.

Being without a relationship for two years, I ask, "Am I ready?" I know I am, but sometimes, those whom I consider are not ready for who I am.

I remember saying, "Sincerity can be faked" to someone that I never thought would appreciate me for more than being an administrative staff.

I listen to things that hurt me, but I continue to listen to help them appreciate themselves, and let them know that their ideas are not stupid.

I love again, but again, it is not as easy as it should be. You say that I do not deserve this or you, but I do not think along those lines. I love because I love the person. It is not a utilitarian or justice question.

I have two younger brothers who have their own families. I have a job which I love for what it is and hate for some of the people I deal with. I work on things which most of the time are not included in my job description. But I remember that I am here to serve back the University and the Country.

I still do not know what my purpose is, so I fill my time with responsibilities which according to my own understanding are of use to people. I do not know how I will be evaluated in the future. I hope I can say with confidence that I have acted in the best interest of the people around me, given the situation I was in.

So, when I pass tomorrow, I have existed for 30 years, what will it be for me? What is my existence for?

It will be another long journey of self-discovery, but this self-discovery need not be lonely. Will you join me?