Missing writing

Wow, it has been a while since I last wrote something here. I do post some announcements in our College blog, but not much here. Maybe it is because I feel that the things I want to write about here are not really for 'unknown public' consumption. Hmmm...

Also, I do not know what to write about anymore. I feel that because I do not write here anymore, my writing is not as good as when I was in high school (when I was a writer for our publication). But what can I do?

As of now, one day after my 31st birthday, what should I write about? This Unseen Existence remains an unseen existence. Nope, a relationship does not mean you have already seen. Sometimes, it is rather disappointing to realize that just when you have been seen in a way that you thought you want to be, you end up hoping you have not been seen in the first place. Did you get it? Anyway.

A student assistant used that term, "wall flower" to describe that character in a story which is not noticed by the person most dear to him or her. So I posted in Kakao Talk (also in Facebook, but I deleted it almost immediately), "Wall flower? I would rather be an unseen existence."

What is an unseen existence? You exist. You are not there as a display. You do not care how other people view. Yes, even the person you hold dear. You are not seen. But you remain serving your purpose, a distinct shadow.

I hope I get to write more here.

But I think I wrote that one before.....

너 한테 난 누구 야?

It’s 12:28 AM, Philippine Time. I can’t sleep. I know why.

You said the other day that you will call me yesterday. You sent a message early in the morning telling me you did not have time to put on make-up, so you do not want to send me a picture.

At 11:00 PM, you have a new picture on Kakao Talk. Had I not sent you a message, you would not have remembered me at all. As always.

You had time to put on make-up for your friend who had a birthday, but you did not remember to send a picture or message to me.

Who am I? 너 한테 난 누구 야?

Do you think sending me a picture will put away my feelings? Do you know how I feel? Do you care?

Do I still want to know?

I continue to be an unseen existence.... A distinct shadow. Not special. Not regular. Just different. Like everyone else.

Almost a year after my last post, and I have to always remember who I am. 

People come and go. We have to define ourselves according to what God tells us, not how we want to be appreciated by people, who will always disappoint us.

Ascension

And if I go,
while you're still here...
Know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
--behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
--both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
...I will be there.

Ascension copyright ©1987, Colleen Corah Hitchcock

I love this poem.

20 July 2011

One day before I turn 30, I wish to blog again about being an unseen existence.

I have accomplished basically all my objectives: financial, academic, and career.

I continue to be an unseen existence, a distinct shadow that follows without being seen while being distinctly for one.

I believe my existence has been an unseen but useful, functional and meaningful one for the people I serve and love.

It is just hard to accept that the existence is unseen.

Being without a relationship for two years, I ask, "Am I ready?" I know I am, but sometimes, those whom I consider are not ready for who I am.

I remember saying, "Sincerity can be faked" to someone that I never thought would appreciate me for more than being an administrative staff.

I listen to things that hurt me, but I continue to listen to help them appreciate themselves, and let them know that their ideas are not stupid.

I love again, but again, it is not as easy as it should be. You say that I do not deserve this or you, but I do not think along those lines. I love because I love the person. It is not a utilitarian or justice question.

I have two younger brothers who have their own families. I have a job which I love for what it is and hate for some of the people I deal with. I work on things which most of the time are not included in my job description. But I remember that I am here to serve back the University and the Country.

I still do not know what my purpose is, so I fill my time with responsibilities which according to my own understanding are of use to people. I do not know how I will be evaluated in the future. I hope I can say with confidence that I have acted in the best interest of the people around me, given the situation I was in.

So, when I pass tomorrow, I have existed for 30 years, what will it be for me? What is my existence for?

It will be another long journey of self-discovery, but this self-discovery need not be lonely. Will you join me?

Christmas Vacation 2010

Christmas Vacation is coming. Let me just list the things I hope to do during this vacation:

1. Review Korean language lessons (from TTMIK) (and write my own index of their lessons)
   
2. Write Christmas news
3. Read on Operations Research
4. Write a chapter for "Technology for Teaching"
5. Create the ELCEP website.
   

I really hope to be able to do these things. These days, there are so many things that can get your attention, and your intended activities are left incomplete.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, everyone!