When I die

I feel tired. This job is definitely taxing. It's sucking the energy out of me. Worse, getting sleep is a hard time.

I have actually already come to the way of thinking that if you feel tired after waking up, you have rested.

* * *

When the past is too much, enjoy the present. If the present is hard, look forward.

* * *

When I die, what would you feel?

I've been thinking of what people would think or feel when I die.

Have I made an impact on their lives? Have I been important? Have I helped them? Have I served my purpose in their lives?

Would they cry, thinking that they felt love for me but never expressed it?

Or would they smile, knowing that we've had our best times as much as we could?

On my end, I try to relate to people in such a way that for the people I love, I told them or made them feel that I loved them, so that when they die, I won't be sad or disappointed knowing that I wasted time - spent time with them without telling how valuable they are for me.

I miss people, I must confess. But that's it. I also tell that to people. I want them to feel that there is somebody that is brave enough to tell them they are being loved and appreciated.

Are you ready to die?

Honestly, I am... not yet. For another reason, though.

* * *

Watching Close to you gave me another understanding of relationships.

The What if syndrome.

I remember a similar situation on my experience. No, we did not happen to have that argumentation like the one Lloyd and Bea had in his car. Just a moment of realization on my end.

It's not just being afraid or selfish... there is more.

* * *

I have been thinking or imagining of a scenario when I give a special lady friend I have a gift for her birthday. I don't know what to give her, actually, just thinking of what I appreciate about her in that moment. I plan to give her a surprise...

Well, that's not the idea of the writing here. I just remember her giving me a kiss. For some stupid (for me) reason, that prompted me not to fall in love with her. For me, I feel like that act gave me a trust that was beyond anything I've had from a friend (lady, that is. My brods, of course, trust me with their lives, just like I do with them.). I feel like getting a hug is the act that would tell me that a person gave me unconditional love (whether romantic or platonic). That is, a kiss symbolizes trust, a hug (or an embrace) symbolizes love.

I don't know why. I'm feeling empathic these days, I guess.

* * *

Hmmm. I broke two relationships, and did I get anything? Immediately, I felt that I have failed - either myself or the other party. Or maybe both. But today - not really thinking about it, though - I thought that those experiences (failures) taught me a thing or two... either about relating, about myself, or my priorities. I learned that my there is a part of me that I never knew until I entered into a relationship. For those two very short relationships, new parts of myself reveal themselves to me. With the first, it was that I have been "clingy" (as my ex puts it). With the second, I have been an a$$hole (according to myself). In both cases, I learned that you learn something of yourself that comes out only when you are combined with another person in a unique way. There is another third relationship, but it actually happened before the two formal relationships - perhaps it was the most hurtful and most impacting. But it is past - I think.

I have been the perfect psychologist/behaviorist or relationship adviser, but I f*ck up when I deal with my own concerns. I didn't know I would end up this way. I thought I had everything planned and thought out. I don't like this.

My two younger brothers both have their girl friends. I don't have them. And my parents don't know that I had a relationship (like my recognition day in the Fraternity). I don't plan of letting them know. It is either I haven't found the person that I think I would be proud to introduce to them or there was no chance.

That's all for now...

Category 3 A$$shole

Long time. Miss posting here. Anyway, guess there are a lot of things to write about. Work. Friends. Love. Life.
Let's start with a lecture.
Categories of a$$holes.
Category 1 - These are the serious players. They play with people's feelings like they play with a ball for leisure - not even for a purpose. They don't know and don't even bother to know if they hurt people with what they do. I've seen some of these - not just in relating with people but with managing as well. Managing is not primarily about resources, but primarily about managing human resources, or people.
Category 2 - These are the people who know they hurt, but they don't care. It's like they take pleasure in pissing everyobody off.
Category 3 - This is where I think I belong. They know they hurt people, but they do it for a purpose. Of course, they don't compromise on another aspect of their life. In a movie, these are the characters that you see like they are justified, but it is just that they don't know how to communicate effectively. Like, "Why can't you just tell them what happened?" You really can't blame them, but they break the relationship. So they are a$$holes.
Like me.
* * *
Work has been easier. It's just difficult being called "Randy" instead of a christened name or a self-appointed nickname. Worse, that name is the name of the person of the creep who did not approve my... whatever. I'm just being bitter, I think.
* * *
It's been an awesome time with my two lady friends. They have been good listeners and "interrogators". I miss them. I don't want them to know, but I simply do miss them. Really, I don't want to meet them, sometimes, because, like I told them (or one of them, I think), when I meet them and have a time with them, I realize and feel how much I miss them and their value is made more tangible - by the feeling.
The value of the "date" is even enhanced when my mind drifts while I try to sleep (just before I type this article) - that they make me feel at ease and I really take a rest. I am not pretending to be anything like I do at work or with a person that I'm supposed to be knowing and letting myself known. With them, I am happy that I make funny faces, they laugh with genuine appreciation, and love that I know are complete. What friends I have.
* * *
I am again torn between adulthood and youth. I didn't know how to think of people, particularly people of the opposite sex. It's like this: when I see a girl, she's either too young or too mature. I don't know what's the type that I would like.
I see a path that is easier but I'm not sure if I would like to trek that one yet: Single. It's sort of easier: hard when it comes to romance, easier when going through the long dull predictable path of life that I tend to become attached to. Surprises are small parts that I don't appreciate yet when they come as normal. Surprises when they are not appreciated are unexpected contingencies or crises.