20 July 2011

One day before I turn 30, I wish to blog again about being an unseen existence.

I have accomplished basically all my objectives: financial, academic, and career.

I continue to be an unseen existence, a distinct shadow that follows without being seen while being distinctly for one.

I believe my existence has been an unseen but useful, functional and meaningful one for the people I serve and love.

It is just hard to accept that the existence is unseen.

Being without a relationship for two years, I ask, "Am I ready?" I know I am, but sometimes, those whom I consider are not ready for who I am.

I remember saying, "Sincerity can be faked" to someone that I never thought would appreciate me for more than being an administrative staff.

I listen to things that hurt me, but I continue to listen to help them appreciate themselves, and let them know that their ideas are not stupid.

I love again, but again, it is not as easy as it should be. You say that I do not deserve this or you, but I do not think along those lines. I love because I love the person. It is not a utilitarian or justice question.

I have two younger brothers who have their own families. I have a job which I love for what it is and hate for some of the people I deal with. I work on things which most of the time are not included in my job description. But I remember that I am here to serve back the University and the Country.

I still do not know what my purpose is, so I fill my time with responsibilities which according to my own understanding are of use to people. I do not know how I will be evaluated in the future. I hope I can say with confidence that I have acted in the best interest of the people around me, given the situation I was in.

So, when I pass tomorrow, I have existed for 30 years, what will it be for me? What is my existence for?

It will be another long journey of self-discovery, but this self-discovery need not be lonely. Will you join me?